Now is the time

For hoping that all my supporters, their families and friends have had a superb Yuletide/Christmas and will have a very Happy New Year.

Naturally there are other issues to cover but now is not the time to write about them.

From me for now, a very happy new year to all and here's hoping for a much fairer justice system and a better deal for any survivor of crime in 2009. I'll keep campaigning - I hope you will continue to campaign or support as you are able.

With best wishes, Jane

At our expense

Firstly apologies for the lack of posts on the blog. Hitting a stane dyke and being in the shadow of a huge black dog pursuing my every move is one way of describing how I've been feeling. This is often a very hard time of year for me. Made harder this year by the release of Carruthers, by his latest legal bids and recently by my carer being stuck in by snow and then ice for 10 days. I didn't do much of a job of trying to look after myself properly. The lack of access to medics due to snow and ice and their ill health also hasn't helped me to cope. I am a proud person and I'm not good at asking for help. I was offered an appointment with a male doctor but I know I wouldn't cope with that without my carer and how could I even start to explain the scenario in my allotted time? The practice has just asked patients to make sure their allocated time slots don't run over to reduce the time others spend in the waiting room.

So much has happened in the last few weeks I hardly know where to start to update blog followers.

The latest Carruthers related court case, which started on 27th November, is for the reinstatement of his full pension rights; a battle in which serial rapist and sex offender Adam Carruthers has been granted up to £100,000 of legal aid. Aye, that's one heck of a lot of money - decent folks money. Carruthers is apparently citing 'family hardship' if he only gets a pension equivalent to the money he paid in. That is how it stands for him at present - around £6,000 a year or 35% of the norm for a non-offending officer of the rank he attained before dismissal from the force.

The result of this court case? Well there isn't one as yet. The next hearing of the case is scheduled for 29th January 2009, once again at Dumfries Sheriff Court ....more of which to come later on the subject, but for now:
1. D&G Council tax payers money is paying to defend this action.
2. Those who pay income tax are also funding yet another legal action by Carruthers by providing money for his costs through legal aid.

Why not you might say - that's the current system and he's got everything to gain and nothing to lose. Sadly this is true - the perpetrators of heinous crimes can 'play the system' at will. I certainly don't feel this is fair to either his many victims or the people of D&G who were basically duped by a supposedly 'respectable senior police officer' spectacularly abusing his position to the detriment of many people.
This whole situation all seems quite incredible when so many offences were committed whilst this 'man' was on duty in the name of upholding the law for the citizens of D&G. A job the dedicated and hard working special constables did at that time for no financial reward, yet taking on all the same risks and responsibilities of full-time police officers.

I've had an interesting comment land in my mailbox from somebody who had read a previous post on this subject and his comment is this:

I must say I echo your sentiments............It seems extraordinary that he is actually being funded from the public purse to get the public to pay for his crimes.
Prison is an entirely voluntary institution and anyone going to prison has forfeited any human rights.........The only thing I would say is that his family might have a case for suing him for the loss of their rights..........However, since they have proven themselves to be ar*es of the highest order with a level of self deception that beggars belief........I wonder what the reaction might be if all his victims brought a civil action against him for compensation..........that would certainly negate any award he might get...........
You know..............There are times when it really does seem that the lunatics have taken over the asylum..........
Peter

These are the exact words received by this blog reader called Peter. I reckon he is probably a D&G resident and is most obviously extremely miffed at what is, for most of us, the abuse of public money, probably the abuse of his money too.

In the timing of the start of Carruthers' latest legal proceedings came a huge irony; the tenth anniversary of his suspension from duty as a police inspector. A day I will never forget. A day that lead me to make one of the hardest decisions of my life to escape his threatening phone call about what would happen to me if I spoke out. It was followed, not by my suicide as I had intended and which seemed like my only option, but by a string of coincidences. The result of those, being given shelter in a 'safe house' for many months and providing endless statements to a number of officials going over and over what happened to me at the hands of Carruthers. The result of the trial is history.

Well, that's enough for my first update after too long a break from the blog, but hopefully there will be more posts coming soon about burning issues and events that are of note.

White Ribbon Campaign Day & Week

It's been a busy week and today it's White Ribbon Day which starts off a week or more of men pledging not to commit, condone or to remain silent about violence to women. It's a fantastic campaign and if you're not familiar with it, I urge you to have a look at my blog post on the 8th November and follow the link to the WRC website or the link in the right hand column under the red title header of campaigning.

I was really heartened to read the BBC South of Scotland online news and to see that Deputy Chief Constable George Graham of Dumfries and Galloway Constabulary is fully supporting the campaign and asking other men to do the same. The police attend many incidents of domestic violence and of course, there is their own ex-police inspector Adam Caruthers who was guilty of rapes and sexual assaults and many more victims were identified who suffered at the hands of Carruthers over a 20 year period. Is this another real step forward from the old 'male-dominated macho police culture' that was very evident and shocked me when I first joined the Special Constabulary? For me, I see WRC and the police's support for the campaign today as very positive and progressive. Well done to D&G Police.

What is especially interesting is that my blog was picked up on by some of the local papers last week and one newspaper group, the Dumfriesshire News Group, concentrated on my post about the White Ribbon Campaign and on my support for it. They published articles on the WRC and on the case of Adam Carruthers. Then the news of the D&G Constabulary support for WRC today. How the word spreads and all for the greater good. I hope this all makes men think about the actions of other men, or indeed to think about their own actions, even if that is about condoning or remainging silent about such dreadful behaviour that affects the lives of women.

I was proud to wear a white ribbon today, as I have done since it arrived in the post a couple of weeks ago. My carer also asked me for a white ribbon and she has been wearing it proudly and telling people what it's all about. This isn't about gender, but it is about violence and sadly the fact is that men are the main perpetrators of violence toward women.

A stark fact from WRC: violence against women causes more deaths and disability women in the 15 - 44 age group than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents and war. That shocked me - does it shock you?

As WRC say,
men can work to change behaviour that is both emotionally and physically violent to create a world that is based on gender equality."

Please show your support. Wear a white ribbon and support the campaign. Please donate to WRC if you can afford to - the money goes towards helping women's aid and rape crisis charities who deal with the aftermath of male violence against women.

Compounding errors

There’s been a lot of activity in the press on the subject of convicted rape cop Adam Carruthers in the last few days. On Friday of last week, the Daily Record published a piece about how Carruthers, in a job application, said he left the police force "due to issues out with my control." It seems this man won’t tell the truth and won’t accept that he is a serial sex offender who has serious behavioural problems which eventually, thankfully culminated in his prison sentence and now, sadly, his automatic release from prison under licence.

On Saturday the Daily Record printed an article about this blog. I didn’t see either of these articles in print, but as usual, accessed my news online. It’s the way I get most of my news. Using online news facilities means I don’t have to go out and face the world when I don’t feel up to it, which is most of the time.

Today the Dumfries and Galloway Standard have printed a piece about the blog and the use of tax payers money that Carruthers has at his disposal to fight for his full pension. Such a horrible event for all of his many victims who I think may all come from D&G. Many of them, like me, will be council tax payers.

So compound errors? Carruthers obviously still won’t accept responsibility for his crimes, which continues to leave him as a serious danger and risk to the public and to any community he frequents. The articles in the press state that "I have waived my right to anonymity." Well that is only 'sort of,' in that I allowed my photograph to be taken for articles at the time of the release of Carruthers with strict conditions on their use, or lack of use in the future. I’ve given a name too, but no more than that. Why? I’ve not done anything wrong, I’ve nothing to be ashamed of in what somebody decided to do to me. One important thing I do have to consider is the effect on my family; once again this is a difficult time for them in so many ways.

A rape victim has all control taken from them at the time of an attack. If they report to the police and pursue the attack through the courts, then control is continually lost as the process and the courts dictate procedures .......and so it goes on. Keeping control is a really important issue for most victims of rape and serious sexual assaults. Hence my mixed feelings about the 'balance' in the reporting of some issues I’ve raised in this blog. Journalists, like many writers, might only take edited portions of words said or words printed. Sadly this doesn’t always give the full picture or errors are either compounded by a lack of research or repeating errors previously made.

Why am I feeling slightly aggrieved about this? Because, importantly, the decent people who are tax payers are losers in money dished out by the Legal Aid Board, so are the many victims in the issues raised by Carruthers constant attempts to say “I didn’t do it,” “I want my full pension,” and “I want compensation for having to slop out in prison.” I would argue that when he committed the crimes, he of all people knew what the consequences of getting caught would be.
So far Carruthers has already used over £110,000 of tax payers’ money given from legal aid. Now he has been given up to another £100,000 to fight for his full pension and apparently he’s got yet another application in the pipeline for yet more legal issues he wishes to pursue.

When is the line drawn? It doesn’t seem to be with this man and he’s simply 'playing the system' we have in place. There is just one thick line for the victims with just one chance to give your evidence in court and coping with that was extremely hard with your attacker sitting close by in the dock. Is this constant pursuit against ‘unwelcome decisions’ by a criminal just and respectful for the law abiding citizens, tax payers and council tax payers? How this money could be put to much better use. The rape crisis centres would be extremely grateful for a fraction of this amount of money as they try to work on shoestring budgets and they save lives - the lives of victims like me.

Thankfully many aspects of the investigation and court process are changing from the time when the Carruthers case went to court and there is good news on that front. Forty of the fifty recommendations made in the “Review of the Investigation and Prosecution of Sexual Offences in Scotland,” published by the Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service in June 2006 have been implemented.

The use tax payers money for legal aid for criminals chasing the things they lost the right to by committing crimes is something that I urge you to consider carefully and to pursue with your MSP if you also think it is not a fair system when a convicted criminal can’t seem to get the answers he apparently desires, no matter how many times he might try.
Now, where and when is that line going to be drawn?

Coming soon ...new post and a deadline

A new post will be coming soon! Thanks to those of you who have got in touch. I've just been floored with asthma and an infection since the last post I made on the blog. I'm finally on the mend as of the weekend. Thank goodness for steroids and antibiotics and the NHS!
Please don't forget the deadline for the Scottish Government consultation paper on sentencing guidelines and proposals is this Friday, 21st November. Please see previous post on the subject for details of how to submit your thoughts.

Violence against women; a gender issue?

A letter from a regional organisation came through my letterbox today. On the back page was an advert. It was simply a red page with a picture of a white ribbon. I was intrigued. I looked closer, read the web address, Googled the words and have discovered that there is such an organisation called the White Ribbon Campaign.
http://www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk/

What is the White Ribbon Campaign (WRC)?
The WRC is the largest effort in the world of men working to end men's violence against women.

How did the WRC get started?
In 1991, a handful of men in Canada decided they had a responsibility to urge men to speak out against violence against women. They decided that wearing a white ribbon would be a symbol of men's opposition to men's violence against women. After only six weeks preparation, as many as one hundred thousand men across Canada wore a white ribbon. Many others were drawn into discussion and debate on the issue of men's violence. There are now White Ribbon Campaigns operating in many countries around the world.

The UK Branch of WRC was started in 2004.
Wearing a white ribbon is a personal pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women.

Each year, WRC urge men and boys to wear a ribbon for one or two weeks, starting on November 25, the International Day for the Eradication of Violence Against Women

WRC is an educational organization to encourage reflection and discussion that leads to personal and collective action among men.

Throughout the year, WRC encourage men
to do educational work in schools, workplaces and communities,
to support local women's groups,
to raise money for the international educational efforts of the WRC.
WRC distribute Education and Action kits to schools, maintain a website. WRC speak out on issues of public policy.

So how appropriate to my own feelings about violence (against either gender) when you have a look at the WRC website. There have been many men who at the time were and I discover still more men who find the criminal activities of men like Adam Carruthers against so many women utterly appalling. They have been in touch through my blog or via email. Many have said that they are ashamed to be a man, yet they are not the violent ones.

There were men who stood back and didn't act when they had strong suspicions of the dreadful actions that Carruthers was involved in. His friends and some of his colleagues. There was one courageous policeman, backed by his supervisor, who went against the culture of the force at that time and he spoke out to senior officers. These men were the brave ones, the ones I will always have the greatest respect for as, especially at that time, they risked so much in what was the pursuit of justice and they stood by the raison d'etre of all police officers. They didn't want evil to succeed by remaining silent, by standing back and doing nothing.

The judicial process that I went through was dominated by men and, as a rape victim, I found that was incredibly hard for me to cope with. Perhaps more so as the rapist who attacked me was a man in a position of trust, one who abused his power. The WRC has shown me that men have come together in a spirit of concerted effort and hope to educate and to reduce and preferably end violence against women. Well done to the White Ribbon Campaign.

The WRC week is from the 25th November. I hope that lots of people support their efforts; and I don't care of which gender as violence might be predominantly generated by men, but violence is violence and I abhor it. Let us never forget that men can also be violated by women and that's not a gender issue, it's a criminal act just the same as a man's violence towards a woman is. So a gender issue or not?

Will you discuss the activities and aims of the WRC with your friends? See what they think, gauge their opinions? Will you join the volunteers of the WRC and show your support? What about wearing a white ribbon as a committed and caring member of our society who is against violence against either gender, especially against women?

Pre-conceived ideas aren't good ideas

Sometimes there are those weird pieces of synchronicity, if you believe such a thing exists. An email came through last week about a visiting writer .....and yes, it really was time I got out of the house, faced the outside world and did something for me. Yesterday I went to a talk with my long-suffering, but thankfully, interested in literature carer. It was given by Scottish writer Ewan Morrison. I’d read about his books and to be honest I thought, this really isn’t going to be my thing. Not sex and relationships and as for the idea of his novel 'Swung.' No I thought, this is not for me, but then I'd not read either of his books. However, I’ve found that listening to writers speak about their process is fascinating, gems can come out of these encounters and Ewan was to hold a master class afterwards and my name was down for it.

I’m eager to learn more about writing. I started to write because I needed to. It was my only way of expressing my hurt; my outrage; the bottling up that was waiting to burst; the things I couldn’t say to people; the time after my fluency had left me and my stuttering was really bad and words went AWOL when I tried to engage in conversation, which to be honest was as little as possible.

My writing from that period is not aired and I have it filed away. The only exception being some poetry from that early venture I made into writing which was taken by the police as evidence for the trial against Carruthers. The officers said it was so strong and that it gave compelling evidence that something drastic had gone wrong in my life and that it was caused by a man and heavily indicated what the event was. Drastic it was and yes, life had gone very wrong, that bast..d had raped me and he was a senior policeman. My beliefs and ideas on trust had been blasted into oblivion in around half an hour of sheer hell. Then there was the head injury and my life took a further nose dive.

We arrived early. I got pick of the chairs and we went into a corner at the back where I felt safest. Ewan Morrison wasn’t what I was expecting. Pre-conceived ideas? No Jane, you should have learnt by now that you don’t have pre-conceived ideas; you take things and take people as you find them. If people I meet seem open, honest, kind, up-front that’s great. If they’re any of the negative things then time to buzz off. The man was a delightful character, showed a warm personality in front of his audience.

Ewan’s reading was superb. Not all sex, rampant hormones, and, after hearing his 15 minute extract, certainly not what I thought it would be. He explored an amazing array of issues from one small part of his novel “Distance.” His reading voice was good; it was clear, intonation great. There was a chance at the end for a Q&A session before the master class.

I had a question. I tried to keep it in my head, not be side tracked by other questions and Ewan’s answers. My short-term memory can be such a pain. I managed to pluck up the courage to ask about his process and just got in with the final question. Fascinating answer about the way he doesn’t want to overly analyse his work or else he thinks he’ll be scuppered (at that point I glanced at a university lecturer who is a specialist in critical writing analysis.) Ewan spoke about his way of exploring ideas and working in beginnings, middles and ends right though his work until it builds up into a composite volume.

The master class followed a short coffee break. Great to have this chance in one way I thought as I do need to improve my writing (even if only for the sake of campaigning), but I always get really nervous about this sort of thing. It can be a real exposure of your inner self and although I knew all bar one of the participants there is that inner fear lurking inside me. Ewan discussed beginnings; we looked at some examples of how writers have started novels, he spoke of the three W’s and ‘Chekov’s window.’ Fascinating stuff. Then the exercise, except it didn’t happen. He set us the exercise to be emailed to him, if we wanted to do it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d do it and the issue of ‘want to’ didn’t come into it. With no time to do the exercise Ewan planned for it was on to the ‘book game.’ I suddenly remembered that I’d played this fun and intriguing game years ago in a wee bothy on Mull when the rain hit the windows hard and horizontally one evening. I got home enthused by the mixture of ideas whizzing round in my head. The tape I had from the master class was helpful to listen to bits of. I’ve downloaded it and will play it again when there’s more time.

I looked up more about Ewan on the net at http://ewanmorrison.com/ and it seems there is a lot more to him than the subjects of his novels suggest. For goodness sake, why shouldn’t there be? I found an article he’d written for The Guardian on stuttering. He wrote about how trauma can start it off and how the discussion rages on about the “why of stuttering.” Ewan was a stutterer, so was his father. The extract he’d read to us, a father shouting to his stammering boy on Arthur’s Seat. It all made sense. That’s how Ewan knew so much about stuttering. He’d been through it. The agonies of not being able to say what you want to say, of feeling the word forming, hearing the word in your mind, but the word won’t come out. Crumbs, how did he cope with me in his master class? Was I an awful reminder of his years of stuttering? I hope not. My speech is much improved from the initial head injury, but I have good days and not so good days and yesterday wasn’t the most fluent day. I’ve got to the stage where I can read my poetry fluently, but it takes a lot of hard work. Stress, being tired, my brain slows and then everything goes downhill; the concentration, the clumsiness and the frustration of non-fluent speech and the crappy communication.

Meeting Ewan was helpful to meet to me as a ‘wanna-be’ writer; learning about some of his processes in writing; the master class exercise, the 'book game' and the nuggets from his writing life experiences were all so stimulating. I found today that there was more to him, the ex-stutterer, the man who overcame his barrier and now …..a man who has the most amazing critiques of his novels that, to be honest, I can probably only ever dream about. So often I’ve thought of writing a book about the last dozen years of my life. For now I’m mostly sticking with poetry and writing for campaigning and this baby blog. Poetry suits my attention span and my joy at playing with words in short pieces. Maybe, maybe one day the book on Jane Dearie’s disastrous meeting will be written.

The time of year

I'd got loads of things lined up in my mind to follow up on the blog since my last entry and none of them have sprung into reality. It's just like me. No action. Feel ....well actually I feel very little. Sometimes I feel nothing bar an emptiness and a heavy head.
It's the time of year for me. Some say 'time of the month' ...well it's time of the year with me now. I’ve always loved the autumn, the colours, the changes in avian residents in the area. There's so much to look at, to marvel at and yet……
That's like a but. That 'yet' is actually a 'but' and it's a big but, a blooming enormous but that try as I do, it hits me like a sledgehammer at this time of year. Anniversaries - I hate them. I don't want to think about them but I do. They creep into my subconscious and take over my mind with the gremlins that come creeping out and terrorise my sleep, my dreams, my thoughts and my goodness Jane .....snap out of it! Aye, if only.
It's like when somebody, usually very well meaning, tells a person with depression to 'snap out of it.' How they would if they could. Same with PTSD and the really bad memories. I recognise they exist. I try to knock them back ....sometimes I’ve tried quite spectacularly. I once did a charity abseil from the Forth Rail Bridge to have something good to remember about this time of year instead .....but it wasn't on the day, not on the day he came in his police car and .......yeah, did all that. The only great thing the abseil did was to raise a lot of money for a very good cause and to give me a few minutes of fun as I came down the rope. Getting up there was a different story with my asthma wheezing away and that was much bigger challenge and the irony was that I was abseiling for the Chest,Heart and Stroke Association!
So the things that I used to really like and used to look forward to at this time of year, like the larches turning into their glowing yellows and a soft westerly wind that left an untouched carpet of golden larch needles on the paths and roads in the mornings, now it doesn't have the same integrity that it used to have for me. OK, it's still the natural world. I adore the natural world, I live for the natural world, I write about the natural world, I used to paint the natural world but .... There I go again. The larch trees that were across the valley from my old house were the last thing I saw before I lost the fight against him.
In recent weeks I’m having such trouble just to get up, to get myself to bed at a decent hour, to not have firework displays of flashbacks, to not have nightmares …..to feel/to be 'normal.' My short-term memory and my speech have also hiccupped with the tiredness and stress. It’s just not working for me again this year. “Maybe one year,” I promise myself. Maybe one year it won’t feel as bad. “Aye, when that bastard’s dead,” said one person last week and one who knew him too.
So now I need to really try and take a grip, be strong, be extra firm with myself. I managed the other day when the rain lashed down like it had forgotten how to stop yet again and the rivers rose at speed, pushed at their banks and found places to break out across the green ground and onto the roads. When neighbours looked like their houses would be imminently deluged with cold brown water and when it became mad to even think of using the road where I live as it was under so much water ….somehow that was different because it wasn’t about me, or about that dreadful day he came. It was different because I felt I needed to get on and do something for somebody else. It’s back to me doing things for others. Not that it was much. Only offering shelter and warmth if they wanted or if they flooded, moral support, saying I cared, that I thought of them, that I wanted to help. I find that bit weird. I’d think of helping anybody (bar one ex-convict) and yet I can’t help myself when I hit the roller coaster downers that take me to the black pits. There was an irony that the floods came on the same day as the day he …., the day I got a letter through the door for the latest appeal for the RNLI to support the volunteers who go out in all weathers. Good people who volunteer to save others.
So now it’s time to try and hold on to reality. The reality of what I’m trying to achieve. The reality of living, the reality of still caring about others in the world because all the decent people matter. People have right to matter because they’re good people who don’t hurt others and so yes, of course they matter. People have a right to be respected and to be cared about as much as any reasonable person does. People have a right to be safe and not to become a victim of any crime. Heaven forbid if they do, they have a right to a justice that means justice from beginning to end of the process and afterwards when the perpetrator is released.
So now I’ll really try harder again. The anniversary of his heinous deeds of that day is over for this year. The larch trees near my new home are beautifully swathed in yellows, ochres and gold, the geese have flown over heading south for better feeding grounds and even though my memories don’t fade, the flashbacks don’t stop, the nightmares don’t leave me much night time peace I know that I must keep chasing my dreams of change; changes that will make a difference.
One man ….and I wonder how many more of his victims find this very same problem at their 'time of year?' I imagine there are many. Would you trust a policeman? Me? It's unlikely I'll ever really truly trust anybody again. BUT I know that’s so unfair on the majority who are good, who do a hard job in difficult and challenging circumstances. One rotten apple was all it took …… just one apple that was rotten to the core ……and good men who either didn’t know or good men who did nothing.
Yes, it has to be time for action and time for change.

Magazine article

As it came towards the automatic early release of Carruthers from jail, I was asked if I'd do a couple of newspaper articles and an article for a magazine. I'm afraid to say I'd not heard of 'Pick Me Up' before. I really don't get out much these days! The magazine with the article on my dreadful encounter with Adam Carruthers was published this last Thursday (16th October), in Issue 42. My carer got me a copy of it on Friday but I simply can't bring myself to read it through. I know it tells the awful tale and the headline on the front is "tortured and raped by my boss." Sadly what it doesn't say on the front cover is that he was a cop on duty and in uniform when it happened.

The interview was done over the phone after an earlier interview I did with friend and trusted journalist Marcello Mega. After consulting my family, I made the difficult decision to give up my image but not my full identity and anonyimty. He had stories in the Sunday Mail and the Mail on Sunday a couple of days after the release of Carruthers. The interview was really hard to do. A woman I'd never spoken to before, I couldn't see her face, she couldn't see mine - thankfully. She read it all back to me. It nearly creased me; the tears ran down my face as she was reading it back and I found I went into a downward spiral for days afterwards.

So why do it? Why put myself through this? The reason is that it will make people think about rape, the after-effects and the issues - or so I hope. The publication of the PMU article wonderfully coincides with the Rape Crisis Scotland campaign, "this is not an invitation to rape me," which was launched this very same week. They now have a live website at www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk and I would urge you to look at it. It challenges the myths that women are somehow asking to be raped for reasons of dress, drink, intimacy, relationships. One day, heaven forbid, you might be a juror in a rape trial - how would you react to these questions that the defence will throw at you about the victim?
There are other less important reasons for doing this article, less important than the reason I'm campaigning for changes in the way victims are treated, but ones that people might like to think about. It will go some way to pay for the extra security - new doors, new windows with multiple locking points and the CCTV that has had to put around my house to fulfill the police security survey on the property. This has run into many thousands of pounds. It of course nowhere near meets these bills, but for my mother it is of paramount importance to her that I am as safe as possible and so the work has had to be done. The poor woman has gone through hell and still does with everything that has happened to me. As she approaches 80, it's not what I want for her, or for any decent person. She's a very generous and kindly soul and I'm not saying that because she's my Mum, but she is very special. Others who read this blog and know her will I'm sure agree whole heartedly. I hate the ripple effect of crime. Sadly there has been nothing I can do about it to protect the people I really love and care about.

There is a weird juxtaposition of headlines on the front cover of the magazine. Some that highlight what turns a woman on, having a monster mouth, a wife swap, the shape of a bloke's penis and then ......the article about Carruthers heinous actions. Somehow it seems strange to me, but the magazine caters for their readership and they obviously like the good, bad and the simply weird stories.

Will this article do any good for the campaigning of how rape victims are treated? Will it raise the abysmal 2.9% conviction rate of rape cases that go to court in Scotland? Marcello has told me that the article been taken up by Jeremy Kyle in the "Jeremy's Judgement" section of the magazine, so perhaps that shows the relevance of the issues involved. There is apparently also comment from a psychologist about the deviant behaviour of Carruthers .....so who knows the outcome and the impact. It's like any campaign, you put in everything you're mentally and physically able to in order to raise awareness and, for me, I just hope that there will be benefits for those who will sadly follow in the future. Rape destroys lives.

Good tax payers money - some of this yours?

It's hard, if not incredible to believe that the Legal Aid Board for Scotland have granted serial sex offender Adam Carruthers yet more money, up to £100,000, to fight his way through yet another legal process to endeavour to regain the whole of his police pension from Dumfries and Galloway Council (his ex-employers) who sacked him after the court case and misconduct inquiries which found him guilty of serious crimes and dereliction of duty on numerous occasions. The Council reduced his right to a full pension and have only granted Carruthers the right to have a pension which equates to the money he paid actually into it. This will give him around £6,000 a year. The Council can not take this money from him as he paid it in to his pension fund.

So let's give just a wee bit of thought to this latest decision.
1. In the lenghty Lothian and Borders Police inquiry Carruthers was found to have stalked, attacked, raped 38 women - to my knowledge he carried out all of these incidents whilst on duty.
2. I was attacked in my own home at 4 o'clock in the afternoon when Carruthers was on duty, in uniform and he arrived at my house in a marked police vehicle. Ironically my own council tax helped to fund his attack against me.
3. The court heard that Ms X was repeatedly raped by Carruthers and, like myself and several of his victims, she also attempted suicide. It has now been reported that two of his victims did sucessfully commit suicide.
4. The day Ms X came home it was Carruthers who told her husband to take their young son out of the house so that he could speak to Ms X and take her statement. He then RAPED her again in what must have been the most horrendous ordeal at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. An ordeal that must be very hard for her husband and their now grown up son to come to terms with.
5. Another victim was stalked whilst she lived in Langholm and this happened whilst Carruthers was on duty. Her case was featured in the BBC Frontline Scotland programme.
6. Carruthers offending behaviour is known to have taken place over a 20 year period - 20 years when he was not doing his duty as a police officer in protecting the public and endeavouring to reduce or stop crime in his local patch. Earlier in his career, as a constable, he was censured for sexual misconduct and yet incredibly he still rose to the rank of police inspector before he was finally suspended from duty and subsequently imprisoned and became renowned as one of Scotland's most prolific sex offenders.

These are just a few points that this incredulous decision of giving a convicted serial rapist even more tax payers money raises.

Who really pays for Carruthers' action against D&G Council as his previous employer?
1. The tax payer in Legal Aid fees. That is you if you pay income tax. His legal aid bill already tops £110,000 - a phenomenal amount of money that some of your income tax has been used for.
2. The Council tax payers of Dumfries and Galloway, an area where many of his victims still reside, will pay through their local council tax in fighting the action and, heaven forbid Carruthers wins his case, they then have to pay more of their council tax money towards his pension which one can certainly argue he doesn't deserve.
3. Yet more trauma is added to his many victims by yet more actions of this man who so abused his power as a policeman one questions how could he even be considered to be worthy of his full pension after what he did to so many women?
4. How can a man who quite obviously did not uphold his police oath or do his duty in serving the local community be worthy of a full pension?

So let's think why Carruthers is taking this legal action.
1. He appears to have absolutely nothing to lose as under current legislation he is legitimately using tax payers money to fight his case. It isn't costing him anything. That is the system we have and we haven't tried to change .....yet.
2. Despite being a convicted sex offender who has lost his appeals against convictions of rape and indecent assaults, the legal system works in his favour and is actually aiding his continued legal actions on any front he appears to see fit.
3. He has everything to gain if he were to win his case and regain his right to a full police pension which would give him a pension of around £17,000 per annum.

What about the victims? This gives a different perspective.
The Criminal Injuries tariff for being raped at the time Carruthers was found guilty was £7,500. If a victim put in a claim for more than one serious injury, as I did, which included permanent psychological damage which requires prolonged pscyhiatric treatment (for post traumatic stress disorder and depression), then the tariff for the rape was reduced to only 10% of that £7,500 ....yes that was a mere £750 compensation for being raped in my own home mid afternoon by a police sergeant on duty paid for by our council tax. The mental scars still remain and that tariff for psychological damage was £20,000 at that time. I remain on 23 prescribed medicines a day, as I have done for many, many years I still have to see health professionals on a frequent basis for the effects of the physical and mental injuries of his attack.

When you put all this in perspective it's not hard for any reasonable person to realise that the income tax and council tax payers are losers and the victims are also the losers physically, mentally and financially. Sadly the memories of these crimes do not fade with time ....you just have to try to learn how to deal with them day by day ...or as was sadly the case with some of Carruthers victims, give up in despair, take your own life rather than try to live with the memories of his actions and also not be believed by his fellow police officers to whom you reported.

As you have read this blog entry I really hope these points raise some searching questions in your minds.
Why is this happening and have we, as a society accepted this system as is? Huge sums of money are paid to serial sex ofenders who have served minimal time in prison and now have everything to gain in financial terms by taking out such actions.
Why do decent people let it happen? May be they don't realise?
Do decent people know the system we have in this country is firmly biased towards the perpetrators?
Why isn't this level of (legal aid) money instead spent on the important (often voluntary) agencies who have to pick up the many pieces and the debris from the shattered lives of the many victims of such heinous crimes? My local rape crisis centre quite literally saved my life yet they work on a shoe string budget and struggle to provide a region-wide service which I, like other survivors know really does save lives.

These are all points that I am raising with MSP's, victims groups and other agencies. Will you raise them too?
I don't want to pay a penny more in council tax to a serial sex offender like Adam Carruthers who has been responsible for the deaths of women and for mulitple traumas to women when it was his paid duty to care and protect them. As a special constable I happily worked many hours each week as a volunteer. In executing my duties I took all the same responsibilties and risks as any paid police officer does. This is not something that I regret. I only regret that I ever met Adam Carruthers and I regret to have discovered that many decent citizens are badly let down by the social and justice systems in our country.

It wouldn't be easy, but if asked, I will stand up in the court yet again and give evidence as to how my council tax was used to pay for a police officer in the employment of D&G Council to abuse, degrade and rape me. I would do this because I believe it is the right thing to do. Serial sex offenders, like any other offender, should not benefit or profit from their crimes. Carruthers made a decision every time he atacked a women and he alone is responsible for all that entails ....including losing his right to a full pension.

"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."

Here we go again

Having spent two days in hospital the only thought I had in my tired little head was to get home and fall into my own bed. I've found there is no subsitute for your own bed. I hit the mattress very swiftly and having had very little sleep the night I was in hospital post-operations, the after effects of a general aneasthetic and morphine jags on top of my normal cocktail of drugs, my eyes soon closed and that was me .....gone to the land of nod.
Gone to sleep but sadly not for long. I had imagined a nice long sleep with no nightmares. I'd had a few shockers in hospital. I'd pre-warned the night staff asking them to just wake me up and tell me I was safe and where I was if it happened. They kindly did that and as they'd put me in a single room, I hope that I didn't disturb any of the other patients.
The waking up was ....yep, due to my phone ringing. I'd only had 3 hours sleep if that. My brother on the other end of the phone. "There's a bloke from Serco here and he's lost. He needs access to your house." The next bit of the conversation from me isn't printable. I'd got a message that a chap from Serco would be coming that evening but wouldn't need access to the house. They even told me what sort of car he'd be driving ....not that I thought I'd care as I planned to 'very asleeep.' "No," said my brother, "he's got to get in as he can't get a signal on his works mobile and he has to have access to the Serco stuff now. Do you want me to come up with him?" Too bloody right I did. It was gone 9 at night and a bloke I didn't know expcted me to let him in after all I'd gone through with what Carruthers had done and after the operations had left me feeling sore and generally grim.
I dragged on cold clothes, went downstairs and soon found my brother and the Serco man at the door. It was all to do with this phone ring back. "I thought you were coming tomorrow," I said to the bloke. "Yes, I am as well but we have to do this tonight." Yet another PID to be range tested at my place and then, later that night, put round that scumbag serial rapists ankle .....I hoped as tightly as possible, although preferably neck rather than ankle. My mood wasn't sweet as I just wanted to sleep and recover from the operations. Fat chance with this carry on.
The result of this chaps visit is that I hope the phantom ringing and the dial back during calls is sorted and that the cable he promised will soon be delivered and that will be that .....but being a cynic, I'm not holding up my hopes on any count. He left at the back of 10, I thanked my brother and I headed back for my bed, more than miffed.
This whole issue of intrusion at all hours is a double edged sword. I certainly want to be able to sleep (especially after being in hospital) and to be left in peace, but I also need the protection that the Serco team and the tag offers me as one of Carruthers many victims and one who went to court. It again just shows that once the court case is over, the perpetrator has done his time and is out of jail the after effects of his heinous attacks are most definitely not over for his many victims. What a system.

On a pouring wet day

After the late night phone call and the techie lingo I didn't understand I phoned Serco in the morning as I said I'd do and found out that the battery was low in the PID ....his PID. I still wasn't sure what a PID was but guessed it had to be the tag. "Am I covered then?" Yes I was but they needed to change his PID and liked to do that the next day.
So I had very little sleep overnight, the PTSD had predictably really kicked in after the phone call and it was absolutely chucking it down and some poor woman wants to come down to visit asap - and that has to be today if at all possible. I explained that I had to be at my carers for lunch and would be going out later with my carer so it had to be before 2.30 and not at lunchtime. The intrusion of the early release of Carruthers is a pain, but that's the price for a victim to be protected.
Eventually after a lot of calls from this poor woman on her mobile (until she ran out of her network coverage) and after a satnav taking her up dirt tracks and all sorts of places that were not the right places, she finally arrived. The most drookit looking wee soul in a dark jacket covered with water just from getting her work bag from her car to my door. The rain was relentless and unforgiving of anything in it's descent from the sky. I think she was surprised anybody lived in this area. Maybe not what she was used to? It's definitely not 'urban' where I live.
What a lovely woman. Instantly kind and caring, she explained all the lingo that will make life easier for me if this ever happens again. I saw her making up a tag. Oh, oh, she's not expecting me to have that thing on? No, I had to take it to every room in the house, including putting it in the cast iron bath to see if that picked up a signal on the black hand-held unit she had by my black box. Then my turn to get waterproofs on and take the tag for a walk outside. Finally all set up and that was it. Job done. She left in the wind and rain at 2.30.
With a helpful cheery woman from Serco who explained what she was doing I felt slightly less miffed than I had done the night before at 10.29. I did raise the issue of Serco making late calls to me though and she saw for herself how jumpy I am when the phone rings when she had to 'force' the machine to set off so that the centre calls back. Yes, phones really do that to me.
I couldn't believe that of all the days she had to come on a really terrible one with a massive surplus of both wind and rain. The river was soon raging, the roads were like rivers, yet the day before it had been beautiful. Today has been sunny, even slightly warm, and that poor kind soul had to come out on one of the wettest days that we've had for a while, and that's saying something after this summer. If only she'd seen the beauty of the area ....but the cloud wasn't showing her any of that. And she said she was on her day off, but came down so that I would know at least one person I would be speaking to if there were problems. "Just get in touch hen, it's nae bother" she said in her broad Glasgow accent.
She was surprised I wasn't more annoyed and hadn't complained more about the phone ringing it's phantom ting any hour of the night and day. Said she would be really mad. Yes, it is more than annoying but hopefully that will be sorted out when a Serco line expert comes middle of the week. I'm fingers crossed he'll have the magic solution which BT didn't. The important thing is that the monitoring system is doing its job. .....and as if on cue, just as I'm about to publish this post, the phone rings .....once.

At this time of night?

10.29 precisely (on my watch) the phone rang tonight. I hate phones ringing period, ever since I got that threatening phone call from Carruthers in November ‘98. “Number withheld” came up on the handset. I’ve gone for the caller display now and hope to work out who is calling before I answer the phone …..but it’s not foolproof.
I know the SERCO monitoring team comes up as ‘number withheld,’ but surely not at this time of night? As always and with the deepest of suspicion I answered tentatively. The voice was unknown. Yep, at this time of night it was SERCO …..and a bad line and a woman who spoke really fast and used a lot of techie language that meant nothing to me. Had I tweaked an aerial on the box when I’d got something from behind the curtains? Was that what the weird cracks were that I couldn’t figure out and had it set the alarm off in their control room? No they wanted to send somebody to come out tomorrow.
I’ve never had much notice from SERCO for anything they need to do to the black box since it was installed in the house. So me, one of the victims; me who courtesy of what Carruthers did when he realised he was being sussed and about to be suspended got a threatening phone call; me who hates phone rings with a vengeance gets phoned up on a Friday night at 10.29 p.m.
I do begin to wonder what it is about aspects of the system when comparing rights for victims and perpetrators. I maybe don’t sleep well these days, but a phone call at 10.29 means trouble to me. I get so uptight, worried …..and it turns out to be routine for SERCO. Well to me it’s not bloody routine and I don’t approve. I do think there should be a cut-off time for phoning the victims who are the ones that are to be protected. It’s a reminder to me and worst of all just before I go to bed that this is the protection that is required from the heinous deeds of a serial sex offender and no matter what I can’t get away from that fact …..not even at 10.29 on a Friday night.

This so pisses me off it’s untrue. Why am I now having to live like this when it’s my right to make my own life choices that are normal for any decent person? Do I really want to live like this? Why did the cop who came to do the security check say to me, “if you see a car coming or people you don’t know, go inside and lock the doors.” Because Carruthers is labelled as a dangerous man. I know he's dangerous man. I experienced his deviousness and his perverted behaviour at first hand. I still have the medical problems from his afternoon attack.
It’s all because of the ‘nice policeman,’ serial rapist and sex offender, they let out of prison after only 7 years and 4 months with no break between being in secure prison accommodation and being released straight into the community. The ‘nice policeman’ who still says he ‘didn’t do it;’ the man that insists he was ‘set up.’ Oh yeah, for heavens sake why would anybody want to set him up and not any other cop in the force? how can a set up man lose a court case, criminal appeals and two SCCRC appeals? The conviction rate for rape is pathetic and the number of cases that get to court is tiny when compared to the number of reported rapes. The process a victim has to go through is meticulous by the investigators and then the prosecution and defence pre-cognition agents have their go pre-trail.
Carruthers says ‘set up,’ interestingly it turns out by a vast number of women who didn’t know each other, were from all different areas in his old force region where he 'served the community/protected the public as a policeman (perhaps bar Stranraer …why no victims from Stranraer?), and 38 women found by Lothian and Borders Police came from a period of 20 years of his known offending period?
And now this phone call at this time of night to one of his victims…..

There’s been more instances this week of the obvious inequality between treatment of victims and perpetrators that I could relate to you ……..but I need to go and calm down, take my pils, try to calm the PTSD symptoms from this late phone call, try to stop it turning into flashbacks and then nightmares again intruding into my sleep, make a cuppa and get this in perspective and realise that the SERCO people are just doing their job and they seem to think that victims and perpetrators are all the same and disturbance within their hours is immaterial to either party. It’s probably fine and rubber stamped in their rule book. Maybe there's something urgent with the monitoring system? The installation man said SERCO personnel are allowed to go to a house up until midnight. Not this one!
Remember, you don’t get a choice in what happens to you when you’re a victim. Perpetrators of crime, violent criminals have choices and they know the outcomes if are caught …..especially the now disgraced police inspector who spectacularly abused his power with devastating and tragic consequences for his victims.

Is this really consultation?

On 1st September 2008 a consultation document was launched by the Scottish Government:
"SENTENCING GUIDELINES AND A SCOTTISH SENTENCING COUNCIL,
CONSULTATION AND PROPOSALS"
How did I find out about it? It was pure luck. Some time ago I decided to subscribe to the weekly round up of the SG consultations that comes by email. I do read this each week, and there it was, glaring out at me at the very time one of the most devious, dangerous and unrepentant men in Scotland was to be released from prison after just over 7 years inside for the most horrendous crimes and showing a complete abuse of power.
This consultation process – is it advertised other than online? If people who might well wish to comment are not Internet users then how do they find out what is up for consultation? Even if you are an Internet user, will you find this document easily? I think not. This is really important information that might well make such a difference in the most serious criminal cases. I asked Marcello Mega my journalist friend about it. He didn’t know this particular consultation process was ongoing. That only showed me how badly advertised these critical documents are advertised.
So what about the SG consultation process I ask myself? How can the population consult these guidelines and proposals in the documents and make responses by the cut off date if they don’t even know they exist? Is that right? Does it just pay lip service to the notion of real participation in a democracy?
I had an example quoted to me when one such document was spoken about after the consultation process. A journalist asked the Justice Minister, “and how many people responded to the consultation process.” Apparently the Minister said he didn’t know, looked to his civil servant aid. She procrastinated a fair bit, didn’t want to give an exact figure but said, “but it was advertised on our website on the Internet.” That is not a consultation process in my book. It’s more like a chance encounter.
So now you do know about this. The cut off date for responses for this particular consulation is 21st November 2008. The whole document and details of how you can respond is in .pdf format, available for you to read online and can be found at:
http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Consultations/Current
There it sits with many more interesting subjects that are currently “out for the consultation process.” I’d be most interested to know the average number of responses to any of these consultation documents from the general public who, after all are served by government.
I shall not only be making a submission in response by 21/11/08 but I shall also let my MSP know that this seems a very unfair way of making the electorate aware of how to have a say in what happens in critically important issues in society.

Little sleep and rays of sunshine

It’s been a crazy few days. I seem to rush around, achieve little, and then fall flat, absolutely drained of energy. My sleep ….. seems it isn’t happening for me despite feeling shattered most of the time. On the odd occasion I do sleep then the nightmares kick in or the Serco alarm makes the phone give one ring, as it does through the day, and that's it ....game over.
I saw one of the medics I’ve been seeing for over 10 years today. I mentioned I was doing this blog to try and get things changed for those who will sadly come in the future. To my absolute horror he revealed to me that there’d been another patient in the clinic with an identical story to the one I’d revealed. No panic, there's no breach of confidentiality here, just a statement of fact – a sad fact. I don’t know if this is the woman who left a comment on my blog or not. I have the feeling that when Lothian and Borders Police traced 38 Carruthers victims, there were always bound to many more.
How can 7 years and 4 months be enough for these crimes? The licence conditions will last for another 3 years and 8 months and then? …… if not before then? Will it really take another woman to be seriously hurt, damaged physically and mentally for life, before a more sensible approach is adopted with serial sex offenders like Carruthers?

One major ray of brightness has been that my blog has been picked up by a very special friend. Eryl, a super writer, who has her own blogs running, has been incensed not just as one of my friends, but because she also cares about the issues involved. I worry, as always, that she wasn't aware of the full story, but the article in the paper is now online and that must have been an eye opener for any decent person to read. I know how I'd feel if I read such a thing had happened to one of my pals. Eryl has said something about the Jane Dearie blog on her own blog in a post she's called, "Kicking against the pricks." I’ve already had responses as more people are aware of Eryl’s blog than my new one. To a person, they feel like we do. One more was a victim of serious sexual assault. If we can’t stop these dreadful crimes from happening (which realistically we can’t) then perhaps we can try to persuade the people who make the decisions appreciate the effects on the victims, their families and friends ....and that changes are in sore need of being set in motion.

Eryl has a superb blog at http://thekitchenbitchponders.blogspot.com/ and from that you can read some of the responses her readers have made to my situation and my own very baby blog. I think I’ll be asking for tips as well - just to find out how to do more with my blog as she has obviously got blogging far more sussed than I have!

Are you one?

I've been pondering about a comment left on my blog the other day by a woman who was also raped by Carruthers. I realise the amount of emotional outrage and stirring that will inevitably have been caused by the release of Carruthers from such a short time in prison, especially considering the nature of his crimes.

I don't know if you're the one who left the comment and perhaps you'll read this entry if you're following my blog. Whatever, please don't think you're alone. I'm sorry it happened to you too. I bottled it all up for so long, telling nobody. Bottled so much I could have got a job with Guinness, but the result has not been good for my mental health. That bottling, telling nobody (not helped by a string of other horrendous things in a short space of time) led to the chronic level of PTSD that I now have.

If you are a Carruthers victim and you're not coping with what's going on at the moment please speak to somebody if you feel able. Doesn't matter who - a trusted friend, the local rape crisis service, the lovely woman at the head of the Offender Mangament Unit of D&G Constabulary who has been so helpful to me about the release of that scumbag. Just please don't think you're alone with the burden of the memories of what that man did to you and to so many other women. I know you'll be understood and believed. That issue of belief is one of the worst things about sexual crimes. "How can I prove it?" Do take some courage in that it was proved and Carruthers was found guilty, did go to prison, albeit for not very long considering the nature of his crimes. He is a registered sex offender for life. He was found to have committed his crimes over a 20 year period - perhaps it was longer?

There have to be changes to the legislation and the way the legal system deal with these crimes and I'm really fighting for that, so much so that I gave up my image that was precious to me. If you believe in these changes being necessary too, do please leave me a comment - it could be done anonymously, it's up to you, just a show of support would be great.

Decent people do care about their fellow woman/man. Nobody deserves to be abused and in this case the use of a police uniform by Carruthers made it all so much worse. Help me to fight on and do make some noise, even if it's just a squeak!

Valued support

I've had quite a few emails since the Sunday papers were published and they are really supportive. I can see how many decent people think the legislation needs to be changed for serial sex offenders ....not to mention the attitude towards the victims of serious crimes.

This is one from an L&B officer who was involved with looking after me as liaison officer during the investigation. We've kept in touch ever since the trial ended and her job with me finished and it meant the world to me to get it this morning.

"I have just about recovered from choking on my toast on Sunday morning, with the Sunday Mail and Mail on Sunday almost falling off the table. “I know that face!!!!”

Good on you, Kiddo

Power in your hand for a change.

So proud of you. Massive step for you but I think a good and right one."

Day after publication

My back is utterly revolting again today. I suppose the house move alone was bound to take it's toll even though I've done very little physically. It ends up as another reminder of that dreadful day in October 96 that haunts me in all sorts of ways. A bad back always triggers more flashbacks too which one of the horrible sides to chronic PTSD. Flashbacks are such a pain and I'd do anything other than relive that life-changing day over and over again in glorious technicolour. As I know after years of so many doctors, consultants, specialists and experts, there are no solutions to my PTSD and so it's get on with it and keep taking the tablets. Mental health services have been a let down with being unable to help me that I now don't bother to say much as there is nothing positive that they seem to be able to do for me.
As you gather, I feel utterly drained and really quite down today and I've not been able to achieve much. Certainly not the list I'd made up last night. I try to do lists so I don't drift and lose my place with the things that need to be done. It's ordinary day-to-day living, but that doesn't always come easily for me after the assaults. Pain is never a good companion and the Tramadol pills and anti-inflammatory pills just aren't really touching the pain at the moment. My back is going into spasm frequently today and that is certainly not much fun.
All of this isn't what I'd expected today, but last week was a really busy one for me with the usual crop of medics to see and then the news articles to do ....not to mention the not so small matter of the release day of that devious and disgusting serial sex offender Carruthers on Friday.
I have to realise that I don't have masses of energy like I used to have, but this does irritate me and I get incredibly frustrated by not being able to keep going. Aye, I know, I shouldn't complain as there are sadly always others far worse off. I just 'don't do' the frustration issue very well.
Emails of support from the newspaper articles have been much appreciated and perhaps I might get some momentum behind the issue of serious sexual offences being treated as such by the government and the legislators of the future and even perhaps a change with those who deal with the perpetrators of these crimes who so often fail the victims. Am I dreaming on this one?
Victims of these very serious crimes are so often forgotten and yet they are the ones who really go through it, as do their families. Take the case of Ms X in the Carruthers trial. I was horrified when I found out what he'd done to her and how he'd duped her husband so he could rape her yet again. I honestly don't know how they might ever come to terms with that.
I seriously hope I'm not dreaming on achieving positive change as it really does matter to me that people who have been hurt, those driven to contemplate or those who have committed suicide because of heinous crimes have not suffered in vain. It also matters to me that the risk is minimised for the future and women are kept as safe as possible from the rapists and sex offenders - especially those who commit their crimes by abusing their power.

Sunday papers start my campaign

I've thought long and hard about keeping my right to anonymity. I've nothing to be ashamed of but I accept there are some strange people out there. I've only surrendered my image, not my real name. Today there are articles in the press that I've spent the last week on getting together with freelance journalist Marcello Mega; a man who has the very best of motives. He similarly sees unrepentant serial sex offenders being released back into the community as a recipe for disaster. Ex-police inspector and serial sex offender Adam Carruthers, was released from prison on 12th September 2008, having served just over seven years of his sentence.

My motives are to help others to see that I am an ordinary woman who certainly didn't ask for what happened to my life and to the way it's afffected the family and friends I love. I am appalled at current legislation letting such dangerous people back into our communities at automatic two-thirds sentence stage when it is recognised that they still pose a serious threat to women. These deserve longer sentences and should only be released when they show positive stages of rehabilitation, remorse and a desire to change their ways. This man was let back into the community with very strict licence conditions. So much so that he can't be alone with a single woman not a relative. I believe there are also tight monitoring and surveillance measures on him - so why was he released when considered so dangerous? Because that is the current legislation.

The senior policeman who attacked me was found to have raped, assaulted or stalked 38 women over a 20 year period by the Lothian and Borders Police investigation. I know, as many others do, this figure is 'tip of the iceberg.' I have become aware of other victims since my case was taken seriously and it grieves me that people have died as a result of the actions of Carruthers and there was a failure for women to be protected by the very justice system that should protect all citizens. Lord Dawson was right:

Carruthers was "a total disgrace to the uniform he wore."

The late Lord Dawson went on to say:
"I cannot express the revulsion and contempt with which decent members of society regard you."


I believed in the police and true justice when I worked voluntarily as a special constable, serving as many as 12 hours of my free time each week for my local communities. I enjoyed the work mostly. Drunks on a weekend were a pain, but to be able to help people in distress was something that I could do. To help people in those circumstances was a pleasure, and still is, albeit I'm no longer in the special constabulary or fit to do much of use to society.

The rape has taken the issue of trust away from me. I am only just starting to see that the police force in my area is now far more professional and accountable than it was ten years ago. This is one very good thing to come from the case of rogue cop Adam Carruthers.

So many women were badly let down by the justice system in the case of Adam Carruthers. Myself and two other women had our days in court, but I really feel for those who were not give that opportunity. I can't imagine how they must feel about that lack of justice after such major incidents in their lives.

What I want is change to this legislation and changes to how many people see rape and sexual assualt. If you feel as I do - please contact your MSP and let them know how you feel. You can do this by email, in person, by letter or by telephone. Your local MSP's details are available online, in libraries in Citizens Advice Bureaus and in other places.

If you are a woman who was attacked by this man or another man, I really feel for you. I'm sad that something so devastating and terrible has disrupted your life and I understand the complex issues that rape and sexual assault brings up in your whole life. If you live in Dumfries and Galloway then there is the local South West Scotland Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse Centre on 01387 253113 or online at swrcandsac@btconnect.com They saved my life and I will always be so grateful to them for the help that they gave me in some of my darkest moments. If you're not from D&G then there are other centres and National Rape Crisis Network as well as local Women' Aid centres. Please don't be alone with your thoughts and bottle them up. As I know, it's not healthy and has led to PTSD and depression in my case.

If you wish to talk your case over with the police, it's a personal decision and only you will know if it's right for you. I do know they will listen and will take you seriously, especially if you are from D&G. I eventually did speak out when I thought there was a real chance of proving the deviousness and depravity of this so called 'respectable senior cop' and despite all the hard times, I'm pleased I did - even if it only helped remove a serial sex offender from our streets for 7 years and 4 months. It was something.

I was once told;
"all it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."

Decisions

I've thought long and hard about keeping my right to anonymity. I've nothing to be ashamed of but I accept there are some strange people out there. I've decided I'll only surrender my image, not my real name.
Today I met with a freelance journalist I've got to know, Marcello Mega. He's written a lot of stories about some very high profile cases over the years and the case of Adam Carruthers has been no exception.

I got to know Marcello by accident. A local friend phoned me up to say there was a small piece on the back page of the Sunday Times (mid Sept. 99) and it mentioned the Carruthers case now in the hands of Lothian and Borders Police, and the article said there was a case kept live on file. That was mine and I was told this would never be published until there was a chance a trial could run. This was because Carruthers wasn't told that my case was being kept on file and it potentially put me back in danger again.

Turned out that the head of CID for D&G took exception to the article and decided to sue the journalist. I wrote to the Sunday Times offering support as nothing in that article was untrue and nothing that the man who was Head of CID should not accept as truth for the way the first (D&G Police inquiry) had gone, or had not gone in the case of the victims who were let down.

The first day I met Marcello he'd come to do an interview for a magazine and I was certain 'Marcello Mega' was a pseudonym. Not one bit of it! He wasn't "Big Mark" at all, but a very pleasant man of about 5 foot 5, with his head screwed on and with a determination for justice, especially where there has been obvious injustice.

So since that meeting we have kept in touch. Now he's told me there's this offer from several papers to do an article regarding the release of Adam Carruthers from prison at automatic two-thirds sentence stage, but .....they'd like my name and photos.

I've spoken to my mum, who is also my carer these days, and she's not happy about publication of the name, so it's going to be Jane Y. We've chosen Y - because I was Ms.Y in the High Court Trial in Glasgow in May 2001. I don't want to make Mum uneasy as she has suffered enough from the whole episode and she is now almost 80.
The effects of rape are like ripples in a pond - they affect many more people than the victims. Mum has suffered badly because of what happened to me. She lost all her hair as a result of the case - I have asked her if I can publish this and she says that's fine. Mum should be taking it easy and I should be doing more for her as she gets older - but it's the other way round these days with her being my registered carer. Thankfully for us both we are the best of buddies.