I'd got loads of things lined up in my mind to follow up on the blog since my last entry and none of them have sprung into reality. It's just like me. No action. Feel ....well actually I feel very little. Sometimes I feel nothing bar an emptiness and a heavy head.
It's the time of year for me. Some say 'time of the month' ...well it's time of the year with me now. I’ve always loved the autumn, the colours, the changes in avian residents in the area. There's so much to look at, to marvel at and yet……
That's like a but. That 'yet' is actually a 'but' and it's a big but, a blooming enormous but that try as I do, it hits me like a sledgehammer at this time of year. Anniversaries - I hate them. I don't want to think about them but I do. They creep into my subconscious and take over my mind with the gremlins that come creeping out and terrorise my sleep, my dreams, my thoughts and my goodness Jane .....snap out of it! Aye, if only.
It's like when somebody, usually very well meaning, tells a person with depression to 'snap out of it.' How they would if they could. Same with PTSD and the really bad memories. I recognise they exist. I try to knock them back ....sometimes I’ve tried quite spectacularly. I once did a charity abseil from the Forth Rail Bridge to have something good to remember about this time of year instead .....but it wasn't on the day, not on the day he came in his police car and .......yeah, did all that. The only great thing the abseil did was to raise a lot of money for a very good cause and to give me a few minutes of fun as I came down the rope. Getting up there was a different story with my asthma wheezing away and that was much bigger challenge and the irony was that I was abseiling for the Chest,Heart and Stroke Association!
So the things that I used to really like and used to look forward to at this time of year, like the larches turning into their glowing yellows and a soft westerly wind that left an untouched carpet of golden larch needles on the paths and roads in the mornings, now it doesn't have the same integrity that it used to have for me. OK, it's still the natural world. I adore the natural world, I live for the natural world, I write about the natural world, I used to paint the natural world but .... There I go again. The larch trees that were across the valley from my old house were the last thing I saw before I lost the fight against him.
In recent weeks I’m having such trouble just to get up, to get myself to bed at a decent hour, to not have firework displays of flashbacks, to not have nightmares …..to feel/to be 'normal.' My short-term memory and my speech have also hiccupped with the tiredness and stress. It’s just not working for me again this year. “Maybe one year,” I promise myself. Maybe one year it won’t feel as bad. “Aye, when that bastard’s dead,” said one person last week and one who knew him too.
So now I need to really try and take a grip, be strong, be extra firm with myself. I managed the other day when the rain lashed down like it had forgotten how to stop yet again and the rivers rose at speed, pushed at their banks and found places to break out across the green ground and onto the roads. When neighbours looked like their houses would be imminently deluged with cold brown water and when it became mad to even think of using the road where I live as it was under so much water ….somehow that was different because it wasn’t about me, or about that dreadful day he came. It was different because I felt I needed to get on and do something for somebody else. It’s back to me doing things for others. Not that it was much. Only offering shelter and warmth if they wanted or if they flooded, moral support, saying I cared, that I thought of them, that I wanted to help. I find that bit weird. I’d think of helping anybody (bar one ex-convict) and yet I can’t help myself when I hit the roller coaster downers that take me to the black pits. There was an irony that the floods came on the same day as the day he …., the day I got a letter through the door for the latest appeal for the RNLI to support the volunteers who go out in all weathers. Good people who volunteer to save others.
So now it’s time to try and hold on to reality. The reality of what I’m trying to achieve. The reality of living, the reality of still caring about others in the world because all the decent people matter. People have right to matter because they’re good people who don’t hurt others and so yes, of course they matter. People have a right to be respected and to be cared about as much as any reasonable person does. People have a right to be safe and not to become a victim of any crime. Heaven forbid if they do, they have a right to a justice that means justice from beginning to end of the process and afterwards when the perpetrator is released.
So now I’ll really try harder again. The anniversary of his heinous deeds of that day is over for this year. The larch trees near my new home are beautifully swathed in yellows, ochres and gold, the geese have flown over heading south for better feeding grounds and even though my memories don’t fade, the flashbacks don’t stop, the nightmares don’t leave me much night time peace I know that I must keep chasing my dreams of change; changes that will make a difference.
One man ….and I wonder how many more of his victims find this very same problem at their 'time of year?' I imagine there are many. Would you trust a policeman? Me? It's unlikely I'll ever really truly trust anybody again. BUT I know that’s so unfair on the majority who are good, who do a hard job in difficult and challenging circumstances. One rotten apple was all it took …… just one apple that was rotten to the core ……and good men who either didn’t know or good men who did nothing.
Yes, it has to be time for action and time for change.
Monday 27 October 2008
Saturday 18 October 2008
Magazine article
As it came towards the automatic early release of Carruthers from jail, I was asked if I'd do a couple of newspaper articles and an article for a magazine. I'm afraid to say I'd not heard of 'Pick Me Up' before. I really don't get out much these days! The magazine with the article on my dreadful encounter with Adam Carruthers was published this last Thursday (16th October), in Issue 42. My carer got me a copy of it on Friday but I simply can't bring myself to read it through. I know it tells the awful tale and the headline on the front is "tortured and raped by my boss." Sadly what it doesn't say on the front cover is that he was a cop on duty and in uniform when it happened.
The interview was done over the phone after an earlier interview I did with friend and trusted journalist Marcello Mega. After consulting my family, I made the difficult decision to give up my image but not my full identity and anonyimty. He had stories in the Sunday Mail and the Mail on Sunday a couple of days after the release of Carruthers. The interview was really hard to do. A woman I'd never spoken to before, I couldn't see her face, she couldn't see mine - thankfully. She read it all back to me. It nearly creased me; the tears ran down my face as she was reading it back and I found I went into a downward spiral for days afterwards.
So why do it? Why put myself through this? The reason is that it will make people think about rape, the after-effects and the issues - or so I hope. The publication of the PMU article wonderfully coincides with the Rape Crisis Scotland campaign, "this is not an invitation to rape me," which was launched this very same week. They now have a live website at www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk and I would urge you to look at it. It challenges the myths that women are somehow asking to be raped for reasons of dress, drink, intimacy, relationships. One day, heaven forbid, you might be a juror in a rape trial - how would you react to these questions that the defence will throw at you about the victim?
There are other less important reasons for doing this article, less important than the reason I'm campaigning for changes in the way victims are treated, but ones that people might like to think about. It will go some way to pay for the extra security - new doors, new windows with multiple locking points and the CCTV that has had to put around my house to fulfill the police security survey on the property. This has run into many thousands of pounds. It of course nowhere near meets these bills, but for my mother it is of paramount importance to her that I am as safe as possible and so the work has had to be done. The poor woman has gone through hell and still does with everything that has happened to me. As she approaches 80, it's not what I want for her, or for any decent person. She's a very generous and kindly soul and I'm not saying that because she's my Mum, but she is very special. Others who read this blog and know her will I'm sure agree whole heartedly. I hate the ripple effect of crime. Sadly there has been nothing I can do about it to protect the people I really love and care about.
There is a weird juxtaposition of headlines on the front cover of the magazine. Some that highlight what turns a woman on, having a monster mouth, a wife swap, the shape of a bloke's penis and then ......the article about Carruthers heinous actions. Somehow it seems strange to me, but the magazine caters for their readership and they obviously like the good, bad and the simply weird stories.
Will this article do any good for the campaigning of how rape victims are treated? Will it raise the abysmal 2.9% conviction rate of rape cases that go to court in Scotland? Marcello has told me that the article been taken up by Jeremy Kyle in the "Jeremy's Judgement" section of the magazine, so perhaps that shows the relevance of the issues involved. There is apparently also comment from a psychologist about the deviant behaviour of Carruthers .....so who knows the outcome and the impact. It's like any campaign, you put in everything you're mentally and physically able to in order to raise awareness and, for me, I just hope that there will be benefits for those who will sadly follow in the future. Rape destroys lives.
The interview was done over the phone after an earlier interview I did with friend and trusted journalist Marcello Mega. After consulting my family, I made the difficult decision to give up my image but not my full identity and anonyimty. He had stories in the Sunday Mail and the Mail on Sunday a couple of days after the release of Carruthers. The interview was really hard to do. A woman I'd never spoken to before, I couldn't see her face, she couldn't see mine - thankfully. She read it all back to me. It nearly creased me; the tears ran down my face as she was reading it back and I found I went into a downward spiral for days afterwards.
So why do it? Why put myself through this? The reason is that it will make people think about rape, the after-effects and the issues - or so I hope. The publication of the PMU article wonderfully coincides with the Rape Crisis Scotland campaign, "this is not an invitation to rape me," which was launched this very same week. They now have a live website at www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk and I would urge you to look at it. It challenges the myths that women are somehow asking to be raped for reasons of dress, drink, intimacy, relationships. One day, heaven forbid, you might be a juror in a rape trial - how would you react to these questions that the defence will throw at you about the victim?
There are other less important reasons for doing this article, less important than the reason I'm campaigning for changes in the way victims are treated, but ones that people might like to think about. It will go some way to pay for the extra security - new doors, new windows with multiple locking points and the CCTV that has had to put around my house to fulfill the police security survey on the property. This has run into many thousands of pounds. It of course nowhere near meets these bills, but for my mother it is of paramount importance to her that I am as safe as possible and so the work has had to be done. The poor woman has gone through hell and still does with everything that has happened to me. As she approaches 80, it's not what I want for her, or for any decent person. She's a very generous and kindly soul and I'm not saying that because she's my Mum, but she is very special. Others who read this blog and know her will I'm sure agree whole heartedly. I hate the ripple effect of crime. Sadly there has been nothing I can do about it to protect the people I really love and care about.
There is a weird juxtaposition of headlines on the front cover of the magazine. Some that highlight what turns a woman on, having a monster mouth, a wife swap, the shape of a bloke's penis and then ......the article about Carruthers heinous actions. Somehow it seems strange to me, but the magazine caters for their readership and they obviously like the good, bad and the simply weird stories.
Will this article do any good for the campaigning of how rape victims are treated? Will it raise the abysmal 2.9% conviction rate of rape cases that go to court in Scotland? Marcello has told me that the article been taken up by Jeremy Kyle in the "Jeremy's Judgement" section of the magazine, so perhaps that shows the relevance of the issues involved. There is apparently also comment from a psychologist about the deviant behaviour of Carruthers .....so who knows the outcome and the impact. It's like any campaign, you put in everything you're mentally and physically able to in order to raise awareness and, for me, I just hope that there will be benefits for those who will sadly follow in the future. Rape destroys lives.
Saturday 11 October 2008
Good tax payers money - some of this yours?
It's hard, if not incredible to believe that the Legal Aid Board for Scotland have granted serial sex offender Adam Carruthers yet more money, up to £100,000, to fight his way through yet another legal process to endeavour to regain the whole of his police pension from Dumfries and Galloway Council (his ex-employers) who sacked him after the court case and misconduct inquiries which found him guilty of serious crimes and dereliction of duty on numerous occasions. The Council reduced his right to a full pension and have only granted Carruthers the right to have a pension which equates to the money he paid actually into it. This will give him around £6,000 a year. The Council can not take this money from him as he paid it in to his pension fund.
So let's give just a wee bit of thought to this latest decision.
1. In the lenghty Lothian and Borders Police inquiry Carruthers was found to have stalked, attacked, raped 38 women - to my knowledge he carried out all of these incidents whilst on duty.
2. I was attacked in my own home at 4 o'clock in the afternoon when Carruthers was on duty, in uniform and he arrived at my house in a marked police vehicle. Ironically my own council tax helped to fund his attack against me.
3. The court heard that Ms X was repeatedly raped by Carruthers and, like myself and several of his victims, she also attempted suicide. It has now been reported that two of his victims did sucessfully commit suicide.
4. The day Ms X came home it was Carruthers who told her husband to take their young son out of the house so that he could speak to Ms X and take her statement. He then RAPED her again in what must have been the most horrendous ordeal at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. An ordeal that must be very hard for her husband and their now grown up son to come to terms with.
5. Another victim was stalked whilst she lived in Langholm and this happened whilst Carruthers was on duty. Her case was featured in the BBC Frontline Scotland programme.
6. Carruthers offending behaviour is known to have taken place over a 20 year period - 20 years when he was not doing his duty as a police officer in protecting the public and endeavouring to reduce or stop crime in his local patch. Earlier in his career, as a constable, he was censured for sexual misconduct and yet incredibly he still rose to the rank of police inspector before he was finally suspended from duty and subsequently imprisoned and became renowned as one of Scotland's most prolific sex offenders.
These are just a few points that this incredulous decision of giving a convicted serial rapist even more tax payers money raises.
Who really pays for Carruthers' action against D&G Council as his previous employer?
1. The tax payer in Legal Aid fees. That is you if you pay income tax. His legal aid bill already tops £110,000 - a phenomenal amount of money that some of your income tax has been used for.
2. The Council tax payers of Dumfries and Galloway, an area where many of his victims still reside, will pay through their local council tax in fighting the action and, heaven forbid Carruthers wins his case, they then have to pay more of their council tax money towards his pension which one can certainly argue he doesn't deserve.
3. Yet more trauma is added to his many victims by yet more actions of this man who so abused his power as a policeman one questions how could he even be considered to be worthy of his full pension after what he did to so many women?
4. How can a man who quite obviously did not uphold his police oath or do his duty in serving the local community be worthy of a full pension?
So let's think why Carruthers is taking this legal action.
1. He appears to have absolutely nothing to lose as under current legislation he is legitimately using tax payers money to fight his case. It isn't costing him anything. That is the system we have and we haven't tried to change .....yet.
2. Despite being a convicted sex offender who has lost his appeals against convictions of rape and indecent assaults, the legal system works in his favour and is actually aiding his continued legal actions on any front he appears to see fit.
3. He has everything to gain if he were to win his case and regain his right to a full police pension which would give him a pension of around £17,000 per annum.
What about the victims? This gives a different perspective.
The Criminal Injuries tariff for being raped at the time Carruthers was found guilty was £7,500. If a victim put in a claim for more than one serious injury, as I did, which included permanent psychological damage which requires prolonged pscyhiatric treatment (for post traumatic stress disorder and depression), then the tariff for the rape was reduced to only 10% of that £7,500 ....yes that was a mere £750 compensation for being raped in my own home mid afternoon by a police sergeant on duty paid for by our council tax. The mental scars still remain and that tariff for psychological damage was £20,000 at that time. I remain on 23 prescribed medicines a day, as I have done for many, many years I still have to see health professionals on a frequent basis for the effects of the physical and mental injuries of his attack.
When you put all this in perspective it's not hard for any reasonable person to realise that the income tax and council tax payers are losers and the victims are also the losers physically, mentally and financially. Sadly the memories of these crimes do not fade with time ....you just have to try to learn how to deal with them day by day ...or as was sadly the case with some of Carruthers victims, give up in despair, take your own life rather than try to live with the memories of his actions and also not be believed by his fellow police officers to whom you reported.
As you have read this blog entry I really hope these points raise some searching questions in your minds.
Why is this happening and have we, as a society accepted this system as is? Huge sums of money are paid to serial sex ofenders who have served minimal time in prison and now have everything to gain in financial terms by taking out such actions.
Why do decent people let it happen? May be they don't realise?
Do decent people know the system we have in this country is firmly biased towards the perpetrators?
Why isn't this level of (legal aid) money instead spent on the important (often voluntary) agencies who have to pick up the many pieces and the debris from the shattered lives of the many victims of such heinous crimes? My local rape crisis centre quite literally saved my life yet they work on a shoe string budget and struggle to provide a region-wide service which I, like other survivors know really does save lives.
These are all points that I am raising with MSP's, victims groups and other agencies. Will you raise them too?
I don't want to pay a penny more in council tax to a serial sex offender like Adam Carruthers who has been responsible for the deaths of women and for mulitple traumas to women when it was his paid duty to care and protect them. As a special constable I happily worked many hours each week as a volunteer. In executing my duties I took all the same responsibilties and risks as any paid police officer does. This is not something that I regret. I only regret that I ever met Adam Carruthers and I regret to have discovered that many decent citizens are badly let down by the social and justice systems in our country.
It wouldn't be easy, but if asked, I will stand up in the court yet again and give evidence as to how my council tax was used to pay for a police officer in the employment of D&G Council to abuse, degrade and rape me. I would do this because I believe it is the right thing to do. Serial sex offenders, like any other offender, should not benefit or profit from their crimes. Carruthers made a decision every time he atacked a women and he alone is responsible for all that entails ....including losing his right to a full pension.
"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."
So let's give just a wee bit of thought to this latest decision.
1. In the lenghty Lothian and Borders Police inquiry Carruthers was found to have stalked, attacked, raped 38 women - to my knowledge he carried out all of these incidents whilst on duty.
2. I was attacked in my own home at 4 o'clock in the afternoon when Carruthers was on duty, in uniform and he arrived at my house in a marked police vehicle. Ironically my own council tax helped to fund his attack against me.
3. The court heard that Ms X was repeatedly raped by Carruthers and, like myself and several of his victims, she also attempted suicide. It has now been reported that two of his victims did sucessfully commit suicide.
4. The day Ms X came home it was Carruthers who told her husband to take their young son out of the house so that he could speak to Ms X and take her statement. He then RAPED her again in what must have been the most horrendous ordeal at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. An ordeal that must be very hard for her husband and their now grown up son to come to terms with.
5. Another victim was stalked whilst she lived in Langholm and this happened whilst Carruthers was on duty. Her case was featured in the BBC Frontline Scotland programme.
6. Carruthers offending behaviour is known to have taken place over a 20 year period - 20 years when he was not doing his duty as a police officer in protecting the public and endeavouring to reduce or stop crime in his local patch. Earlier in his career, as a constable, he was censured for sexual misconduct and yet incredibly he still rose to the rank of police inspector before he was finally suspended from duty and subsequently imprisoned and became renowned as one of Scotland's most prolific sex offenders.
These are just a few points that this incredulous decision of giving a convicted serial rapist even more tax payers money raises.
Who really pays for Carruthers' action against D&G Council as his previous employer?
1. The tax payer in Legal Aid fees. That is you if you pay income tax. His legal aid bill already tops £110,000 - a phenomenal amount of money that some of your income tax has been used for.
2. The Council tax payers of Dumfries and Galloway, an area where many of his victims still reside, will pay through their local council tax in fighting the action and, heaven forbid Carruthers wins his case, they then have to pay more of their council tax money towards his pension which one can certainly argue he doesn't deserve.
3. Yet more trauma is added to his many victims by yet more actions of this man who so abused his power as a policeman one questions how could he even be considered to be worthy of his full pension after what he did to so many women?
4. How can a man who quite obviously did not uphold his police oath or do his duty in serving the local community be worthy of a full pension?
So let's think why Carruthers is taking this legal action.
1. He appears to have absolutely nothing to lose as under current legislation he is legitimately using tax payers money to fight his case. It isn't costing him anything. That is the system we have and we haven't tried to change .....yet.
2. Despite being a convicted sex offender who has lost his appeals against convictions of rape and indecent assaults, the legal system works in his favour and is actually aiding his continued legal actions on any front he appears to see fit.
3. He has everything to gain if he were to win his case and regain his right to a full police pension which would give him a pension of around £17,000 per annum.
What about the victims? This gives a different perspective.
The Criminal Injuries tariff for being raped at the time Carruthers was found guilty was £7,500. If a victim put in a claim for more than one serious injury, as I did, which included permanent psychological damage which requires prolonged pscyhiatric treatment (for post traumatic stress disorder and depression), then the tariff for the rape was reduced to only 10% of that £7,500 ....yes that was a mere £750 compensation for being raped in my own home mid afternoon by a police sergeant on duty paid for by our council tax. The mental scars still remain and that tariff for psychological damage was £20,000 at that time. I remain on 23 prescribed medicines a day, as I have done for many, many years I still have to see health professionals on a frequent basis for the effects of the physical and mental injuries of his attack.
When you put all this in perspective it's not hard for any reasonable person to realise that the income tax and council tax payers are losers and the victims are also the losers physically, mentally and financially. Sadly the memories of these crimes do not fade with time ....you just have to try to learn how to deal with them day by day ...or as was sadly the case with some of Carruthers victims, give up in despair, take your own life rather than try to live with the memories of his actions and also not be believed by his fellow police officers to whom you reported.
As you have read this blog entry I really hope these points raise some searching questions in your minds.
Why is this happening and have we, as a society accepted this system as is? Huge sums of money are paid to serial sex ofenders who have served minimal time in prison and now have everything to gain in financial terms by taking out such actions.
Why do decent people let it happen? May be they don't realise?
Do decent people know the system we have in this country is firmly biased towards the perpetrators?
Why isn't this level of (legal aid) money instead spent on the important (often voluntary) agencies who have to pick up the many pieces and the debris from the shattered lives of the many victims of such heinous crimes? My local rape crisis centre quite literally saved my life yet they work on a shoe string budget and struggle to provide a region-wide service which I, like other survivors know really does save lives.
These are all points that I am raising with MSP's, victims groups and other agencies. Will you raise them too?
I don't want to pay a penny more in council tax to a serial sex offender like Adam Carruthers who has been responsible for the deaths of women and for mulitple traumas to women when it was his paid duty to care and protect them. As a special constable I happily worked many hours each week as a volunteer. In executing my duties I took all the same responsibilties and risks as any paid police officer does. This is not something that I regret. I only regret that I ever met Adam Carruthers and I regret to have discovered that many decent citizens are badly let down by the social and justice systems in our country.
It wouldn't be easy, but if asked, I will stand up in the court yet again and give evidence as to how my council tax was used to pay for a police officer in the employment of D&G Council to abuse, degrade and rape me. I would do this because I believe it is the right thing to do. Serial sex offenders, like any other offender, should not benefit or profit from their crimes. Carruthers made a decision every time he atacked a women and he alone is responsible for all that entails ....including losing his right to a full pension.
"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."
Wednesday 8 October 2008
Here we go again
Having spent two days in hospital the only thought I had in my tired little head was to get home and fall into my own bed. I've found there is no subsitute for your own bed. I hit the mattress very swiftly and having had very little sleep the night I was in hospital post-operations, the after effects of a general aneasthetic and morphine jags on top of my normal cocktail of drugs, my eyes soon closed and that was me .....gone to the land of nod.
Gone to sleep but sadly not for long. I had imagined a nice long sleep with no nightmares. I'd had a few shockers in hospital. I'd pre-warned the night staff asking them to just wake me up and tell me I was safe and where I was if it happened. They kindly did that and as they'd put me in a single room, I hope that I didn't disturb any of the other patients.
The waking up was ....yep, due to my phone ringing. I'd only had 3 hours sleep if that. My brother on the other end of the phone. "There's a bloke from Serco here and he's lost. He needs access to your house." The next bit of the conversation from me isn't printable. I'd got a message that a chap from Serco would be coming that evening but wouldn't need access to the house. They even told me what sort of car he'd be driving ....not that I thought I'd care as I planned to 'very asleeep.' "No," said my brother, "he's got to get in as he can't get a signal on his works mobile and he has to have access to the Serco stuff now. Do you want me to come up with him?" Too bloody right I did. It was gone 9 at night and a bloke I didn't know expcted me to let him in after all I'd gone through with what Carruthers had done and after the operations had left me feeling sore and generally grim.
I dragged on cold clothes, went downstairs and soon found my brother and the Serco man at the door. It was all to do with this phone ring back. "I thought you were coming tomorrow," I said to the bloke. "Yes, I am as well but we have to do this tonight." Yet another PID to be range tested at my place and then, later that night, put round that scumbag serial rapists ankle .....I hoped as tightly as possible, although preferably neck rather than ankle. My mood wasn't sweet as I just wanted to sleep and recover from the operations. Fat chance with this carry on.
The result of this chaps visit is that I hope the phantom ringing and the dial back during calls is sorted and that the cable he promised will soon be delivered and that will be that .....but being a cynic, I'm not holding up my hopes on any count. He left at the back of 10, I thanked my brother and I headed back for my bed, more than miffed.
This whole issue of intrusion at all hours is a double edged sword. I certainly want to be able to sleep (especially after being in hospital) and to be left in peace, but I also need the protection that the Serco team and the tag offers me as one of Carruthers many victims and one who went to court. It again just shows that once the court case is over, the perpetrator has done his time and is out of jail the after effects of his heinous attacks are most definitely not over for his many victims. What a system.
Gone to sleep but sadly not for long. I had imagined a nice long sleep with no nightmares. I'd had a few shockers in hospital. I'd pre-warned the night staff asking them to just wake me up and tell me I was safe and where I was if it happened. They kindly did that and as they'd put me in a single room, I hope that I didn't disturb any of the other patients.
The waking up was ....yep, due to my phone ringing. I'd only had 3 hours sleep if that. My brother on the other end of the phone. "There's a bloke from Serco here and he's lost. He needs access to your house." The next bit of the conversation from me isn't printable. I'd got a message that a chap from Serco would be coming that evening but wouldn't need access to the house. They even told me what sort of car he'd be driving ....not that I thought I'd care as I planned to 'very asleeep.' "No," said my brother, "he's got to get in as he can't get a signal on his works mobile and he has to have access to the Serco stuff now. Do you want me to come up with him?" Too bloody right I did. It was gone 9 at night and a bloke I didn't know expcted me to let him in after all I'd gone through with what Carruthers had done and after the operations had left me feeling sore and generally grim.
I dragged on cold clothes, went downstairs and soon found my brother and the Serco man at the door. It was all to do with this phone ring back. "I thought you were coming tomorrow," I said to the bloke. "Yes, I am as well but we have to do this tonight." Yet another PID to be range tested at my place and then, later that night, put round that scumbag serial rapists ankle .....I hoped as tightly as possible, although preferably neck rather than ankle. My mood wasn't sweet as I just wanted to sleep and recover from the operations. Fat chance with this carry on.
The result of this chaps visit is that I hope the phantom ringing and the dial back during calls is sorted and that the cable he promised will soon be delivered and that will be that .....but being a cynic, I'm not holding up my hopes on any count. He left at the back of 10, I thanked my brother and I headed back for my bed, more than miffed.
This whole issue of intrusion at all hours is a double edged sword. I certainly want to be able to sleep (especially after being in hospital) and to be left in peace, but I also need the protection that the Serco team and the tag offers me as one of Carruthers many victims and one who went to court. It again just shows that once the court case is over, the perpetrator has done his time and is out of jail the after effects of his heinous attacks are most definitely not over for his many victims. What a system.
Sunday 5 October 2008
On a pouring wet day
After the late night phone call and the techie lingo I didn't understand I phoned Serco in the morning as I said I'd do and found out that the battery was low in the PID ....his PID. I still wasn't sure what a PID was but guessed it had to be the tag. "Am I covered then?" Yes I was but they needed to change his PID and liked to do that the next day.
So I had very little sleep overnight, the PTSD had predictably really kicked in after the phone call and it was absolutely chucking it down and some poor woman wants to come down to visit asap - and that has to be today if at all possible. I explained that I had to be at my carers for lunch and would be going out later with my carer so it had to be before 2.30 and not at lunchtime. The intrusion of the early release of Carruthers is a pain, but that's the price for a victim to be protected.
Eventually after a lot of calls from this poor woman on her mobile (until she ran out of her network coverage) and after a satnav taking her up dirt tracks and all sorts of places that were not the right places, she finally arrived. The most drookit looking wee soul in a dark jacket covered with water just from getting her work bag from her car to my door. The rain was relentless and unforgiving of anything in it's descent from the sky. I think she was surprised anybody lived in this area. Maybe not what she was used to? It's definitely not 'urban' where I live.
What a lovely woman. Instantly kind and caring, she explained all the lingo that will make life easier for me if this ever happens again. I saw her making up a tag. Oh, oh, she's not expecting me to have that thing on? No, I had to take it to every room in the house, including putting it in the cast iron bath to see if that picked up a signal on the black hand-held unit she had by my black box. Then my turn to get waterproofs on and take the tag for a walk outside. Finally all set up and that was it. Job done. She left in the wind and rain at 2.30.
With a helpful cheery woman from Serco who explained what she was doing I felt slightly less miffed than I had done the night before at 10.29. I did raise the issue of Serco making late calls to me though and she saw for herself how jumpy I am when the phone rings when she had to 'force' the machine to set off so that the centre calls back. Yes, phones really do that to me.
I couldn't believe that of all the days she had to come on a really terrible one with a massive surplus of both wind and rain. The river was soon raging, the roads were like rivers, yet the day before it had been beautiful. Today has been sunny, even slightly warm, and that poor kind soul had to come out on one of the wettest days that we've had for a while, and that's saying something after this summer. If only she'd seen the beauty of the area ....but the cloud wasn't showing her any of that. And she said she was on her day off, but came down so that I would know at least one person I would be speaking to if there were problems. "Just get in touch hen, it's nae bother" she said in her broad Glasgow accent.
She was surprised I wasn't more annoyed and hadn't complained more about the phone ringing it's phantom ting any hour of the night and day. Said she would be really mad. Yes, it is more than annoying but hopefully that will be sorted out when a Serco line expert comes middle of the week. I'm fingers crossed he'll have the magic solution which BT didn't. The important thing is that the monitoring system is doing its job. .....and as if on cue, just as I'm about to publish this post, the phone rings .....once.
So I had very little sleep overnight, the PTSD had predictably really kicked in after the phone call and it was absolutely chucking it down and some poor woman wants to come down to visit asap - and that has to be today if at all possible. I explained that I had to be at my carers for lunch and would be going out later with my carer so it had to be before 2.30 and not at lunchtime. The intrusion of the early release of Carruthers is a pain, but that's the price for a victim to be protected.
Eventually after a lot of calls from this poor woman on her mobile (until she ran out of her network coverage) and after a satnav taking her up dirt tracks and all sorts of places that were not the right places, she finally arrived. The most drookit looking wee soul in a dark jacket covered with water just from getting her work bag from her car to my door. The rain was relentless and unforgiving of anything in it's descent from the sky. I think she was surprised anybody lived in this area. Maybe not what she was used to? It's definitely not 'urban' where I live.
What a lovely woman. Instantly kind and caring, she explained all the lingo that will make life easier for me if this ever happens again. I saw her making up a tag. Oh, oh, she's not expecting me to have that thing on? No, I had to take it to every room in the house, including putting it in the cast iron bath to see if that picked up a signal on the black hand-held unit she had by my black box. Then my turn to get waterproofs on and take the tag for a walk outside. Finally all set up and that was it. Job done. She left in the wind and rain at 2.30.
With a helpful cheery woman from Serco who explained what she was doing I felt slightly less miffed than I had done the night before at 10.29. I did raise the issue of Serco making late calls to me though and she saw for herself how jumpy I am when the phone rings when she had to 'force' the machine to set off so that the centre calls back. Yes, phones really do that to me.
I couldn't believe that of all the days she had to come on a really terrible one with a massive surplus of both wind and rain. The river was soon raging, the roads were like rivers, yet the day before it had been beautiful. Today has been sunny, even slightly warm, and that poor kind soul had to come out on one of the wettest days that we've had for a while, and that's saying something after this summer. If only she'd seen the beauty of the area ....but the cloud wasn't showing her any of that. And she said she was on her day off, but came down so that I would know at least one person I would be speaking to if there were problems. "Just get in touch hen, it's nae bother" she said in her broad Glasgow accent.
She was surprised I wasn't more annoyed and hadn't complained more about the phone ringing it's phantom ting any hour of the night and day. Said she would be really mad. Yes, it is more than annoying but hopefully that will be sorted out when a Serco line expert comes middle of the week. I'm fingers crossed he'll have the magic solution which BT didn't. The important thing is that the monitoring system is doing its job. .....and as if on cue, just as I'm about to publish this post, the phone rings .....once.
Friday 3 October 2008
At this time of night?
10.29 precisely (on my watch) the phone rang tonight. I hate phones ringing period, ever since I got that threatening phone call from Carruthers in November ‘98. “Number withheld” came up on the handset. I’ve gone for the caller display now and hope to work out who is calling before I answer the phone …..but it’s not foolproof.
I know the SERCO monitoring team comes up as ‘number withheld,’ but surely not at this time of night? As always and with the deepest of suspicion I answered tentatively. The voice was unknown. Yep, at this time of night it was SERCO …..and a bad line and a woman who spoke really fast and used a lot of techie language that meant nothing to me. Had I tweaked an aerial on the box when I’d got something from behind the curtains? Was that what the weird cracks were that I couldn’t figure out and had it set the alarm off in their control room? No they wanted to send somebody to come out tomorrow.
I’ve never had much notice from SERCO for anything they need to do to the black box since it was installed in the house. So me, one of the victims; me who courtesy of what Carruthers did when he realised he was being sussed and about to be suspended got a threatening phone call; me who hates phone rings with a vengeance gets phoned up on a Friday night at 10.29 p.m.
I do begin to wonder what it is about aspects of the system when comparing rights for victims and perpetrators. I maybe don’t sleep well these days, but a phone call at 10.29 means trouble to me. I get so uptight, worried …..and it turns out to be routine for SERCO. Well to me it’s not bloody routine and I don’t approve. I do think there should be a cut-off time for phoning the victims who are the ones that are to be protected. It’s a reminder to me and worst of all just before I go to bed that this is the protection that is required from the heinous deeds of a serial sex offender and no matter what I can’t get away from that fact …..not even at 10.29 on a Friday night.
This so pisses me off it’s untrue. Why am I now having to live like this when it’s my right to make my own life choices that are normal for any decent person? Do I really want to live like this? Why did the cop who came to do the security check say to me, “if you see a car coming or people you don’t know, go inside and lock the doors.” Because Carruthers is labelled as a dangerous man. I know he's dangerous man. I experienced his deviousness and his perverted behaviour at first hand. I still have the medical problems from his afternoon attack.
It’s all because of the ‘nice policeman,’ serial rapist and sex offender, they let out of prison after only 7 years and 4 months with no break between being in secure prison accommodation and being released straight into the community. The ‘nice policeman’ who still says he ‘didn’t do it;’ the man that insists he was ‘set up.’ Oh yeah, for heavens sake why would anybody want to set him up and not any other cop in the force? how can a set up man lose a court case, criminal appeals and two SCCRC appeals? The conviction rate for rape is pathetic and the number of cases that get to court is tiny when compared to the number of reported rapes. The process a victim has to go through is meticulous by the investigators and then the prosecution and defence pre-cognition agents have their go pre-trail.
Carruthers says ‘set up,’ interestingly it turns out by a vast number of women who didn’t know each other, were from all different areas in his old force region where he 'served the community/protected the public as a policeman (perhaps bar Stranraer …why no victims from Stranraer?), and 38 women found by Lothian and Borders Police came from a period of 20 years of his known offending period?
And now this phone call at this time of night to one of his victims…..
There’s been more instances this week of the obvious inequality between treatment of victims and perpetrators that I could relate to you ……..but I need to go and calm down, take my pils, try to calm the PTSD symptoms from this late phone call, try to stop it turning into flashbacks and then nightmares again intruding into my sleep, make a cuppa and get this in perspective and realise that the SERCO people are just doing their job and they seem to think that victims and perpetrators are all the same and disturbance within their hours is immaterial to either party. It’s probably fine and rubber stamped in their rule book. Maybe there's something urgent with the monitoring system? The installation man said SERCO personnel are allowed to go to a house up until midnight. Not this one!
Remember, you don’t get a choice in what happens to you when you’re a victim. Perpetrators of crime, violent criminals have choices and they know the outcomes if are caught …..especially the now disgraced police inspector who spectacularly abused his power with devastating and tragic consequences for his victims.
I know the SERCO monitoring team comes up as ‘number withheld,’ but surely not at this time of night? As always and with the deepest of suspicion I answered tentatively. The voice was unknown. Yep, at this time of night it was SERCO …..and a bad line and a woman who spoke really fast and used a lot of techie language that meant nothing to me. Had I tweaked an aerial on the box when I’d got something from behind the curtains? Was that what the weird cracks were that I couldn’t figure out and had it set the alarm off in their control room? No they wanted to send somebody to come out tomorrow.
I’ve never had much notice from SERCO for anything they need to do to the black box since it was installed in the house. So me, one of the victims; me who courtesy of what Carruthers did when he realised he was being sussed and about to be suspended got a threatening phone call; me who hates phone rings with a vengeance gets phoned up on a Friday night at 10.29 p.m.
I do begin to wonder what it is about aspects of the system when comparing rights for victims and perpetrators. I maybe don’t sleep well these days, but a phone call at 10.29 means trouble to me. I get so uptight, worried …..and it turns out to be routine for SERCO. Well to me it’s not bloody routine and I don’t approve. I do think there should be a cut-off time for phoning the victims who are the ones that are to be protected. It’s a reminder to me and worst of all just before I go to bed that this is the protection that is required from the heinous deeds of a serial sex offender and no matter what I can’t get away from that fact …..not even at 10.29 on a Friday night.
This so pisses me off it’s untrue. Why am I now having to live like this when it’s my right to make my own life choices that are normal for any decent person? Do I really want to live like this? Why did the cop who came to do the security check say to me, “if you see a car coming or people you don’t know, go inside and lock the doors.” Because Carruthers is labelled as a dangerous man. I know he's dangerous man. I experienced his deviousness and his perverted behaviour at first hand. I still have the medical problems from his afternoon attack.
It’s all because of the ‘nice policeman,’ serial rapist and sex offender, they let out of prison after only 7 years and 4 months with no break between being in secure prison accommodation and being released straight into the community. The ‘nice policeman’ who still says he ‘didn’t do it;’ the man that insists he was ‘set up.’ Oh yeah, for heavens sake why would anybody want to set him up and not any other cop in the force? how can a set up man lose a court case, criminal appeals and two SCCRC appeals? The conviction rate for rape is pathetic and the number of cases that get to court is tiny when compared to the number of reported rapes. The process a victim has to go through is meticulous by the investigators and then the prosecution and defence pre-cognition agents have their go pre-trail.
Carruthers says ‘set up,’ interestingly it turns out by a vast number of women who didn’t know each other, were from all different areas in his old force region where he 'served the community/protected the public as a policeman (perhaps bar Stranraer …why no victims from Stranraer?), and 38 women found by Lothian and Borders Police came from a period of 20 years of his known offending period?
And now this phone call at this time of night to one of his victims…..
There’s been more instances this week of the obvious inequality between treatment of victims and perpetrators that I could relate to you ……..but I need to go and calm down, take my pils, try to calm the PTSD symptoms from this late phone call, try to stop it turning into flashbacks and then nightmares again intruding into my sleep, make a cuppa and get this in perspective and realise that the SERCO people are just doing their job and they seem to think that victims and perpetrators are all the same and disturbance within their hours is immaterial to either party. It’s probably fine and rubber stamped in their rule book. Maybe there's something urgent with the monitoring system? The installation man said SERCO personnel are allowed to go to a house up until midnight. Not this one!
Remember, you don’t get a choice in what happens to you when you’re a victim. Perpetrators of crime, violent criminals have choices and they know the outcomes if are caught …..especially the now disgraced police inspector who spectacularly abused his power with devastating and tragic consequences for his victims.
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