BBC Radio Scotland Investigation Monday 7th

Tomorrow morning there is a radio programme on at 9 a.m. on Radio Scotland. This is the focus:

09:00–10:00 Morning Extra on BBC Radio Scotland
07/09/2009
Eamonn O'Neill asks why Scotland has so few successful rape prosecutions.

I was asked to take part in this programme a few weeks ago and we recorded at the Rape Crisis Centre in Dumfries a couple of weeks ago. It was a hard interview to do. One of the hardest I've done for a while. Eamonn, being an investigative journalist, asked some very intensive questions. After two hours I came out exhausted and was re-shaken and stirred by many horrible memories. I think it was hard for the producer too, who was superb as she recorded the conversation between Eamonn and myself.

So why do this? I do these things to try and bring the problem of the abysmally low rape conviction rate to the attention of the wider public. Along with the other people who have been interviewed for this programme I hope it can only do good. The current rate for rape prosecutions is around 2.9% in Scotland. I feel that unless people like myself, who have been through the system of criminal investigations and court, speak up then things will never change for the better and the conviction rates are likely to remain horribly low. That means more victims are left without any sense of justice and that more rapists go free. That is they go free to potentially rape again.

I don't know how the format will pan out on the programme tomorrow, but I will be listening to find out what happens and how listeners respond.

A full pension hearing date

After an incredible four preliminary hearings, at heaven knows what expense to the public purse taken from council tax and income tax payers, a date has finally been set for a full pension hearing for rapist, ex-cop Adam Carruthers. Will we finally discover if rape is a pensionable occupation? Are police officers who have turned bad going to be pensioned in spite of such heinous crimes? What will that say about our society?

Many thanks to the journalists who were kind enough to get in touch and give me the date for the full hearing.

The date has been set as 18th June 2009, but one kind journalist has said that there is a chance it could happen the week before on the 11th June. The only way to find out is to log onto the Scottish Courts website and they only post up hearing 5 days beforehand. As 11th is a Thursday, it might only become public on the Monday before? That's the justice system for you. The rape trial in 2001 finally ran at it's fifth and last possible date before it became 'time barred.'

I'm not sure how civil cases work in the courts with regards to dates and if they are as unreliable on time as the criminal cases often are. I remember in 2001 being sickened at being all geared up to give evidence at the High Court only to hear that the trial had been postponed. Four postponements was not the way to treat victims of such serious crimes who all had psychological injuries as a result of the actions of Carruthers.

So come the full pension hearing I know there is a lot of support out there and there are many of you who have been in touch who wish to hold another quiet, dignified protest at the court in Dumfries when the hearing is on. This is possibly your date ....or do I mean dates?

The journalists tell me that the hearing is likely to take three days. Three days?!!! How long does it take to say that crimes of rape and sexual assault committed by a police officer on duty is not in the job description of "Protecting the public and preventing crime?" In my probable naivety I would have thought that is the crux of this case. It seems to me that three days is a long time to argue out if Carruthers can or cannot have his full police pension (gained at public expense through legal aid) yet he quite obviously committed very serious crimes and didn't protect the public at times when he was employed as a senior police officer by Dumfries and Galloway Constabulary.

So is rape a pensionable occupation? We'll find out in a few months time.
June will reveal how this goes ....or will it?! I'm so cynical after my experience of years of the justice and court system and the antics of serial sex offender Adam Carruthers. I'm sure all of his victims will find it a difficult time when the case comes to court again. He won't care about that.

However, if he wins, I wonder if he'll mind if his many victims sue him? The ones who were denied justice especially have every right to do that and if he should win then he will obviously have an income at the very least - even if it's not actually in his pocket until his retirement date. A civil case does not require the same level of absolute proof that a criminal case does - it does not have to be beyond all reasonable doubt in the civil court.

Now there's an interesting scenario!

Solidarity

Apologies for no posts on the blog for a while. We've had a very significant birthday to celebrate in the family. I hope we will continue to do so at various times during the rest of the year. That takes priority when it's somebody who is so special.
More recently I've had a bad whack of asthma and am coping with that annoying problem. Two rounds of 'stair rods,' steroids in normal speak, and I'm still fighting the wheezes in spite of all that's being thrown at my lungs. Inhalers and nebuliser are all in full flow - more than my lungs are!

Thanks to Dr Elaine Murray MSP for the motion in the Scottish Parliament on the issue of pensions for convicted offenders, pursued at public expense, who committed offences through their work. I hope this will lead to something positive and change in the future. I know this is a long haul and nothing will happen overnight, but the issue of legal aid for a convicted rapist to fight for a pension when he raped whilst on duty is something that must be followed up until a sensible solution is found. I still can't believe that is has been at the expense of the public purse.

A very firm positive hand of solidarity to Ann Robertson ,43, who was a witness in the recent Grangemouth rape case, held at the High Court, Edinburgh, with two other victims of sexual assault. Ann, a particularly unfortunate rape witness in this court case was ordered to be held in custody overnight by Judge Roger Craik. Why? She broke down in the witness box whilst giving evidence and was so upset she tried to leave. Judge Craik thought this was sufficient reason to lock her up for contempt of court. Ultimately Ann's attacker was found guilty of abusing two other girls at this trial but Ann's rape case was dropped as a result of the trauma she suffered in court giving evidence.

I found that giving evidence at a rape trial was an extremely harrowing experience. I still can't decide if it was worse than the event itself or on a par with it. Talking over horrific details of a very intimate personal assault in front of a lot of strangers is not something that any normal person could be happy with. It is horribly difficult. Like many victims of rape, there are those of us who suffer from varying degrees of PTSD as a result of the offence(s.) Reliving the experience is extremely traumatic and it flipped my PTSD symptoms to extremes before, during and after the trial. I didn't do well in court, I felt a wreck, I had to be excused by the judge at times and drank gallons of water and it seemed like I cried equal amounts in tears and used masses of paper hankies.

Ann, if you read this blog, I really feel for you. It's beyond belief for you to have been treated in this way. Very well done for managing to speak out about the horrific and, I feel, utterly inhuman treatment that you received. You are stronger than you might think and I take my hat off to you for speaking out and for asking for changes as a result of what Judge Craik did to you. In my mind Judge Craik has put the work of rape crisis centres and victim support workers back many years. The statistics comparing reported rapes to convictions is dire enough as it is. Judge Craik has undoubtedly made it a more difficult decision for any future victim to feel able to come forward and to hope to be treated reasonably and with respect.

As for the ongoing disgraced ex-cop Carruthers pension claim against Dumfries and Galloway Council - there was a third preliminary hearing at Dumfries Sheriff Court last Thursday. I do not have an outcome for this latest hearing. I phoned the court to find out and was told that the information could not be released to me. That said, the following night on Lookaround the presenters said a date had been set for the full hearing but they didn't say what it was. So I don't have that date as yet. As we know, victims and council tax payers who are helping to defend this deplorable action taken by serial sex offender Carruthers are being treated badly yet again. People don't seem to count. Heaven forbid he wins, we will have to pay again through our council tax. Double whammy.

Anybody who does have a date for the full hearing, do please leave a comment on the blog and I'll chase it up and then let you all know what the supporters wishing to see a fair deal plan to do next to highlight this atrocious claim funded by public money through Legal Aid.

A time to stand up

Today was, in my eyes and in those people I spoke to who took part, extremely successful. With the fanstastic help and encouragement of friends and family I came home feeling that a lot has been achieved today. We have raised awareness, not just locally but nationally. It can only benefit others and we all hope lead to positive outcomes.

The abuse of public money (income tax and council tax for those of us in D&G) for the benefit of a serial rapist has been highlighted on BBC 'Good Morning Scotland,' BBC 'Reporting Scotland,' BBC Scotland 'Newsdrive,' a number of other news and TV bulletins and a large number of national and local papers. More local papers are published on friday, so there may be more in those.

Many thanks to all of you who took part and for the miles you put in to make it to the court, for the posters you made and for being willing to stand up and be counted for something that is so obviously a signal that perpetrators have more human rights than victims. I know you all willingly did it because you feel as passionately as I do about the issues involved. I think you will find that more people will be thinking how brave you all were today to show your faces and to want the changes that are so overdue.

There have been very positive comments from everybody I've spoken to about the protest and the coverage received. Dr Elaine Murray MSP did a superb piece on 'Good Morning Scotland' and Iraina, director of SW Rape Crisis Centre also appeared and spoke on the issues involved with me. Thanks to Elaine and especially to Iraina who works tirelessly on these issues.

I came home, very tired after two days of this, to find the very first negative comment left on this blog and it simply emphasised all the more why our joint action is necessary and why awareness of the issues involved in serious sexual assault and rape have to be raised. Anon I feel sorry for you. You are the only person ever to leave a comment to make me think should I hit publish or reject?
This is what the ANON said:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Pension for a serial rapist?":
let bygones be bygones, get on with your life. stop living in the past,and cashing in on it. take control, and stop the sympathy vote.
Anon, I think you simply show you live without empathy for your fellow man/woman. You obviously haven't worked out that these are the very sorts of crimes where the victims can't 'take control' (try chronic PTSD and you'll find out about nightmares, flashbacks, dissociative fugues and the likes.) Such naive thinking from anon - I pity you and anybody you know who may become a victim of such crimes. have a look at the Rape Crisis Scotland website, the White Ribbon Campaign website or Amnesty International. They are very educational.

I think that I speak for all victims of rape and serious sexual assualt - no victim seeks the 'sympathy vote.' We didn't have a choice in what happened to us. That is exactly why rape and sexual assault are criminal offences.
Anon, I suggest that you become more acquainted with the effects of rape and sexual abuse cases, their ramifications in all areas of a victims life. Also find out about the fantastic work that the rape crisis centres do - like our local one, where they counselled 199 victims in last year in this relatively sparsely populated region on a small budget. When/if you manage that Anon - perhaps you could make a more informed judgement on issues that involve such brutal violence. Then perhaps you might be able to make a more valuable contribution to society and to social policy discussions and campaigns. I really hope you or anybody close to you never finds out first-hand about rape and sexual abuse ...remember it can and does happen to either sex, any age.

So to the good people who turned out today - this comment from anon is simply another reason why each one of us was there to highlight the abuse of tax payers money, the inequalities of the Carruthers case (and those similar to it) and why you don't just 'forget about it and let bygones be bygones.' We all fight for equal rights in what is hoped to be a world of equality in all areas of life. That is all that victims of rape want ....other than the obvious of there to be no perpetrators so it wouldn't happen in the first place or ever. Oh, for that ideal world with no violent crime and no inequalities in a proper justice system!

Violence against women; a gender issue?

A letter from a regional organisation came through my letterbox today. On the back page was an advert. It was simply a red page with a picture of a white ribbon. I was intrigued. I looked closer, read the web address, Googled the words and have discovered that there is such an organisation called the White Ribbon Campaign.
http://www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk/

What is the White Ribbon Campaign (WRC)?
The WRC is the largest effort in the world of men working to end men's violence against women.

How did the WRC get started?
In 1991, a handful of men in Canada decided they had a responsibility to urge men to speak out against violence against women. They decided that wearing a white ribbon would be a symbol of men's opposition to men's violence against women. After only six weeks preparation, as many as one hundred thousand men across Canada wore a white ribbon. Many others were drawn into discussion and debate on the issue of men's violence. There are now White Ribbon Campaigns operating in many countries around the world.

The UK Branch of WRC was started in 2004.
Wearing a white ribbon is a personal pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women.

Each year, WRC urge men and boys to wear a ribbon for one or two weeks, starting on November 25, the International Day for the Eradication of Violence Against Women

WRC is an educational organization to encourage reflection and discussion that leads to personal and collective action among men.

Throughout the year, WRC encourage men
to do educational work in schools, workplaces and communities,
to support local women's groups,
to raise money for the international educational efforts of the WRC.
WRC distribute Education and Action kits to schools, maintain a website. WRC speak out on issues of public policy.

So how appropriate to my own feelings about violence (against either gender) when you have a look at the WRC website. There have been many men who at the time were and I discover still more men who find the criminal activities of men like Adam Carruthers against so many women utterly appalling. They have been in touch through my blog or via email. Many have said that they are ashamed to be a man, yet they are not the violent ones.

There were men who stood back and didn't act when they had strong suspicions of the dreadful actions that Carruthers was involved in. His friends and some of his colleagues. There was one courageous policeman, backed by his supervisor, who went against the culture of the force at that time and he spoke out to senior officers. These men were the brave ones, the ones I will always have the greatest respect for as, especially at that time, they risked so much in what was the pursuit of justice and they stood by the raison d'etre of all police officers. They didn't want evil to succeed by remaining silent, by standing back and doing nothing.

The judicial process that I went through was dominated by men and, as a rape victim, I found that was incredibly hard for me to cope with. Perhaps more so as the rapist who attacked me was a man in a position of trust, one who abused his power. The WRC has shown me that men have come together in a spirit of concerted effort and hope to educate and to reduce and preferably end violence against women. Well done to the White Ribbon Campaign.

The WRC week is from the 25th November. I hope that lots of people support their efforts; and I don't care of which gender as violence might be predominantly generated by men, but violence is violence and I abhor it. Let us never forget that men can also be violated by women and that's not a gender issue, it's a criminal act just the same as a man's violence towards a woman is. So a gender issue or not?

Will you discuss the activities and aims of the WRC with your friends? See what they think, gauge their opinions? Will you join the volunteers of the WRC and show your support? What about wearing a white ribbon as a committed and caring member of our society who is against violence against either gender, especially against women?

Good tax payers money - some of this yours?

It's hard, if not incredible to believe that the Legal Aid Board for Scotland have granted serial sex offender Adam Carruthers yet more money, up to £100,000, to fight his way through yet another legal process to endeavour to regain the whole of his police pension from Dumfries and Galloway Council (his ex-employers) who sacked him after the court case and misconduct inquiries which found him guilty of serious crimes and dereliction of duty on numerous occasions. The Council reduced his right to a full pension and have only granted Carruthers the right to have a pension which equates to the money he paid actually into it. This will give him around £6,000 a year. The Council can not take this money from him as he paid it in to his pension fund.

So let's give just a wee bit of thought to this latest decision.
1. In the lenghty Lothian and Borders Police inquiry Carruthers was found to have stalked, attacked, raped 38 women - to my knowledge he carried out all of these incidents whilst on duty.
2. I was attacked in my own home at 4 o'clock in the afternoon when Carruthers was on duty, in uniform and he arrived at my house in a marked police vehicle. Ironically my own council tax helped to fund his attack against me.
3. The court heard that Ms X was repeatedly raped by Carruthers and, like myself and several of his victims, she also attempted suicide. It has now been reported that two of his victims did sucessfully commit suicide.
4. The day Ms X came home it was Carruthers who told her husband to take their young son out of the house so that he could speak to Ms X and take her statement. He then RAPED her again in what must have been the most horrendous ordeal at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. An ordeal that must be very hard for her husband and their now grown up son to come to terms with.
5. Another victim was stalked whilst she lived in Langholm and this happened whilst Carruthers was on duty. Her case was featured in the BBC Frontline Scotland programme.
6. Carruthers offending behaviour is known to have taken place over a 20 year period - 20 years when he was not doing his duty as a police officer in protecting the public and endeavouring to reduce or stop crime in his local patch. Earlier in his career, as a constable, he was censured for sexual misconduct and yet incredibly he still rose to the rank of police inspector before he was finally suspended from duty and subsequently imprisoned and became renowned as one of Scotland's most prolific sex offenders.

These are just a few points that this incredulous decision of giving a convicted serial rapist even more tax payers money raises.

Who really pays for Carruthers' action against D&G Council as his previous employer?
1. The tax payer in Legal Aid fees. That is you if you pay income tax. His legal aid bill already tops £110,000 - a phenomenal amount of money that some of your income tax has been used for.
2. The Council tax payers of Dumfries and Galloway, an area where many of his victims still reside, will pay through their local council tax in fighting the action and, heaven forbid Carruthers wins his case, they then have to pay more of their council tax money towards his pension which one can certainly argue he doesn't deserve.
3. Yet more trauma is added to his many victims by yet more actions of this man who so abused his power as a policeman one questions how could he even be considered to be worthy of his full pension after what he did to so many women?
4. How can a man who quite obviously did not uphold his police oath or do his duty in serving the local community be worthy of a full pension?

So let's think why Carruthers is taking this legal action.
1. He appears to have absolutely nothing to lose as under current legislation he is legitimately using tax payers money to fight his case. It isn't costing him anything. That is the system we have and we haven't tried to change .....yet.
2. Despite being a convicted sex offender who has lost his appeals against convictions of rape and indecent assaults, the legal system works in his favour and is actually aiding his continued legal actions on any front he appears to see fit.
3. He has everything to gain if he were to win his case and regain his right to a full police pension which would give him a pension of around £17,000 per annum.

What about the victims? This gives a different perspective.
The Criminal Injuries tariff for being raped at the time Carruthers was found guilty was £7,500. If a victim put in a claim for more than one serious injury, as I did, which included permanent psychological damage which requires prolonged pscyhiatric treatment (for post traumatic stress disorder and depression), then the tariff for the rape was reduced to only 10% of that £7,500 ....yes that was a mere £750 compensation for being raped in my own home mid afternoon by a police sergeant on duty paid for by our council tax. The mental scars still remain and that tariff for psychological damage was £20,000 at that time. I remain on 23 prescribed medicines a day, as I have done for many, many years I still have to see health professionals on a frequent basis for the effects of the physical and mental injuries of his attack.

When you put all this in perspective it's not hard for any reasonable person to realise that the income tax and council tax payers are losers and the victims are also the losers physically, mentally and financially. Sadly the memories of these crimes do not fade with time ....you just have to try to learn how to deal with them day by day ...or as was sadly the case with some of Carruthers victims, give up in despair, take your own life rather than try to live with the memories of his actions and also not be believed by his fellow police officers to whom you reported.

As you have read this blog entry I really hope these points raise some searching questions in your minds.
Why is this happening and have we, as a society accepted this system as is? Huge sums of money are paid to serial sex ofenders who have served minimal time in prison and now have everything to gain in financial terms by taking out such actions.
Why do decent people let it happen? May be they don't realise?
Do decent people know the system we have in this country is firmly biased towards the perpetrators?
Why isn't this level of (legal aid) money instead spent on the important (often voluntary) agencies who have to pick up the many pieces and the debris from the shattered lives of the many victims of such heinous crimes? My local rape crisis centre quite literally saved my life yet they work on a shoe string budget and struggle to provide a region-wide service which I, like other survivors know really does save lives.

These are all points that I am raising with MSP's, victims groups and other agencies. Will you raise them too?
I don't want to pay a penny more in council tax to a serial sex offender like Adam Carruthers who has been responsible for the deaths of women and for mulitple traumas to women when it was his paid duty to care and protect them. As a special constable I happily worked many hours each week as a volunteer. In executing my duties I took all the same responsibilties and risks as any paid police officer does. This is not something that I regret. I only regret that I ever met Adam Carruthers and I regret to have discovered that many decent citizens are badly let down by the social and justice systems in our country.

It wouldn't be easy, but if asked, I will stand up in the court yet again and give evidence as to how my council tax was used to pay for a police officer in the employment of D&G Council to abuse, degrade and rape me. I would do this because I believe it is the right thing to do. Serial sex offenders, like any other offender, should not benefit or profit from their crimes. Carruthers made a decision every time he atacked a women and he alone is responsible for all that entails ....including losing his right to a full pension.

"All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."

Here we go again

Having spent two days in hospital the only thought I had in my tired little head was to get home and fall into my own bed. I've found there is no subsitute for your own bed. I hit the mattress very swiftly and having had very little sleep the night I was in hospital post-operations, the after effects of a general aneasthetic and morphine jags on top of my normal cocktail of drugs, my eyes soon closed and that was me .....gone to the land of nod.
Gone to sleep but sadly not for long. I had imagined a nice long sleep with no nightmares. I'd had a few shockers in hospital. I'd pre-warned the night staff asking them to just wake me up and tell me I was safe and where I was if it happened. They kindly did that and as they'd put me in a single room, I hope that I didn't disturb any of the other patients.
The waking up was ....yep, due to my phone ringing. I'd only had 3 hours sleep if that. My brother on the other end of the phone. "There's a bloke from Serco here and he's lost. He needs access to your house." The next bit of the conversation from me isn't printable. I'd got a message that a chap from Serco would be coming that evening but wouldn't need access to the house. They even told me what sort of car he'd be driving ....not that I thought I'd care as I planned to 'very asleeep.' "No," said my brother, "he's got to get in as he can't get a signal on his works mobile and he has to have access to the Serco stuff now. Do you want me to come up with him?" Too bloody right I did. It was gone 9 at night and a bloke I didn't know expcted me to let him in after all I'd gone through with what Carruthers had done and after the operations had left me feeling sore and generally grim.
I dragged on cold clothes, went downstairs and soon found my brother and the Serco man at the door. It was all to do with this phone ring back. "I thought you were coming tomorrow," I said to the bloke. "Yes, I am as well but we have to do this tonight." Yet another PID to be range tested at my place and then, later that night, put round that scumbag serial rapists ankle .....I hoped as tightly as possible, although preferably neck rather than ankle. My mood wasn't sweet as I just wanted to sleep and recover from the operations. Fat chance with this carry on.
The result of this chaps visit is that I hope the phantom ringing and the dial back during calls is sorted and that the cable he promised will soon be delivered and that will be that .....but being a cynic, I'm not holding up my hopes on any count. He left at the back of 10, I thanked my brother and I headed back for my bed, more than miffed.
This whole issue of intrusion at all hours is a double edged sword. I certainly want to be able to sleep (especially after being in hospital) and to be left in peace, but I also need the protection that the Serco team and the tag offers me as one of Carruthers many victims and one who went to court. It again just shows that once the court case is over, the perpetrator has done his time and is out of jail the after effects of his heinous attacks are most definitely not over for his many victims. What a system.

At this time of night?

10.29 precisely (on my watch) the phone rang tonight. I hate phones ringing period, ever since I got that threatening phone call from Carruthers in November ‘98. “Number withheld” came up on the handset. I’ve gone for the caller display now and hope to work out who is calling before I answer the phone …..but it’s not foolproof.
I know the SERCO monitoring team comes up as ‘number withheld,’ but surely not at this time of night? As always and with the deepest of suspicion I answered tentatively. The voice was unknown. Yep, at this time of night it was SERCO …..and a bad line and a woman who spoke really fast and used a lot of techie language that meant nothing to me. Had I tweaked an aerial on the box when I’d got something from behind the curtains? Was that what the weird cracks were that I couldn’t figure out and had it set the alarm off in their control room? No they wanted to send somebody to come out tomorrow.
I’ve never had much notice from SERCO for anything they need to do to the black box since it was installed in the house. So me, one of the victims; me who courtesy of what Carruthers did when he realised he was being sussed and about to be suspended got a threatening phone call; me who hates phone rings with a vengeance gets phoned up on a Friday night at 10.29 p.m.
I do begin to wonder what it is about aspects of the system when comparing rights for victims and perpetrators. I maybe don’t sleep well these days, but a phone call at 10.29 means trouble to me. I get so uptight, worried …..and it turns out to be routine for SERCO. Well to me it’s not bloody routine and I don’t approve. I do think there should be a cut-off time for phoning the victims who are the ones that are to be protected. It’s a reminder to me and worst of all just before I go to bed that this is the protection that is required from the heinous deeds of a serial sex offender and no matter what I can’t get away from that fact …..not even at 10.29 on a Friday night.

This so pisses me off it’s untrue. Why am I now having to live like this when it’s my right to make my own life choices that are normal for any decent person? Do I really want to live like this? Why did the cop who came to do the security check say to me, “if you see a car coming or people you don’t know, go inside and lock the doors.” Because Carruthers is labelled as a dangerous man. I know he's dangerous man. I experienced his deviousness and his perverted behaviour at first hand. I still have the medical problems from his afternoon attack.
It’s all because of the ‘nice policeman,’ serial rapist and sex offender, they let out of prison after only 7 years and 4 months with no break between being in secure prison accommodation and being released straight into the community. The ‘nice policeman’ who still says he ‘didn’t do it;’ the man that insists he was ‘set up.’ Oh yeah, for heavens sake why would anybody want to set him up and not any other cop in the force? how can a set up man lose a court case, criminal appeals and two SCCRC appeals? The conviction rate for rape is pathetic and the number of cases that get to court is tiny when compared to the number of reported rapes. The process a victim has to go through is meticulous by the investigators and then the prosecution and defence pre-cognition agents have their go pre-trail.
Carruthers says ‘set up,’ interestingly it turns out by a vast number of women who didn’t know each other, were from all different areas in his old force region where he 'served the community/protected the public as a policeman (perhaps bar Stranraer …why no victims from Stranraer?), and 38 women found by Lothian and Borders Police came from a period of 20 years of his known offending period?
And now this phone call at this time of night to one of his victims…..

There’s been more instances this week of the obvious inequality between treatment of victims and perpetrators that I could relate to you ……..but I need to go and calm down, take my pils, try to calm the PTSD symptoms from this late phone call, try to stop it turning into flashbacks and then nightmares again intruding into my sleep, make a cuppa and get this in perspective and realise that the SERCO people are just doing their job and they seem to think that victims and perpetrators are all the same and disturbance within their hours is immaterial to either party. It’s probably fine and rubber stamped in their rule book. Maybe there's something urgent with the monitoring system? The installation man said SERCO personnel are allowed to go to a house up until midnight. Not this one!
Remember, you don’t get a choice in what happens to you when you’re a victim. Perpetrators of crime, violent criminals have choices and they know the outcomes if are caught …..especially the now disgraced police inspector who spectacularly abused his power with devastating and tragic consequences for his victims.

Little sleep and rays of sunshine

It’s been a crazy few days. I seem to rush around, achieve little, and then fall flat, absolutely drained of energy. My sleep ….. seems it isn’t happening for me despite feeling shattered most of the time. On the odd occasion I do sleep then the nightmares kick in or the Serco alarm makes the phone give one ring, as it does through the day, and that's it ....game over.
I saw one of the medics I’ve been seeing for over 10 years today. I mentioned I was doing this blog to try and get things changed for those who will sadly come in the future. To my absolute horror he revealed to me that there’d been another patient in the clinic with an identical story to the one I’d revealed. No panic, there's no breach of confidentiality here, just a statement of fact – a sad fact. I don’t know if this is the woman who left a comment on my blog or not. I have the feeling that when Lothian and Borders Police traced 38 Carruthers victims, there were always bound to many more.
How can 7 years and 4 months be enough for these crimes? The licence conditions will last for another 3 years and 8 months and then? …… if not before then? Will it really take another woman to be seriously hurt, damaged physically and mentally for life, before a more sensible approach is adopted with serial sex offenders like Carruthers?

One major ray of brightness has been that my blog has been picked up by a very special friend. Eryl, a super writer, who has her own blogs running, has been incensed not just as one of my friends, but because she also cares about the issues involved. I worry, as always, that she wasn't aware of the full story, but the article in the paper is now online and that must have been an eye opener for any decent person to read. I know how I'd feel if I read such a thing had happened to one of my pals. Eryl has said something about the Jane Dearie blog on her own blog in a post she's called, "Kicking against the pricks." I’ve already had responses as more people are aware of Eryl’s blog than my new one. To a person, they feel like we do. One more was a victim of serious sexual assault. If we can’t stop these dreadful crimes from happening (which realistically we can’t) then perhaps we can try to persuade the people who make the decisions appreciate the effects on the victims, their families and friends ....and that changes are in sore need of being set in motion.

Eryl has a superb blog at http://thekitchenbitchponders.blogspot.com/ and from that you can read some of the responses her readers have made to my situation and my own very baby blog. I think I’ll be asking for tips as well - just to find out how to do more with my blog as she has obviously got blogging far more sussed than I have!

Day after publication

My back is utterly revolting again today. I suppose the house move alone was bound to take it's toll even though I've done very little physically. It ends up as another reminder of that dreadful day in October 96 that haunts me in all sorts of ways. A bad back always triggers more flashbacks too which one of the horrible sides to chronic PTSD. Flashbacks are such a pain and I'd do anything other than relive that life-changing day over and over again in glorious technicolour. As I know after years of so many doctors, consultants, specialists and experts, there are no solutions to my PTSD and so it's get on with it and keep taking the tablets. Mental health services have been a let down with being unable to help me that I now don't bother to say much as there is nothing positive that they seem to be able to do for me.
As you gather, I feel utterly drained and really quite down today and I've not been able to achieve much. Certainly not the list I'd made up last night. I try to do lists so I don't drift and lose my place with the things that need to be done. It's ordinary day-to-day living, but that doesn't always come easily for me after the assaults. Pain is never a good companion and the Tramadol pills and anti-inflammatory pills just aren't really touching the pain at the moment. My back is going into spasm frequently today and that is certainly not much fun.
All of this isn't what I'd expected today, but last week was a really busy one for me with the usual crop of medics to see and then the news articles to do ....not to mention the not so small matter of the release day of that devious and disgusting serial sex offender Carruthers on Friday.
I have to realise that I don't have masses of energy like I used to have, but this does irritate me and I get incredibly frustrated by not being able to keep going. Aye, I know, I shouldn't complain as there are sadly always others far worse off. I just 'don't do' the frustration issue very well.
Emails of support from the newspaper articles have been much appreciated and perhaps I might get some momentum behind the issue of serious sexual offences being treated as such by the government and the legislators of the future and even perhaps a change with those who deal with the perpetrators of these crimes who so often fail the victims. Am I dreaming on this one?
Victims of these very serious crimes are so often forgotten and yet they are the ones who really go through it, as do their families. Take the case of Ms X in the Carruthers trial. I was horrified when I found out what he'd done to her and how he'd duped her husband so he could rape her yet again. I honestly don't know how they might ever come to terms with that.
I seriously hope I'm not dreaming on achieving positive change as it really does matter to me that people who have been hurt, those driven to contemplate or those who have committed suicide because of heinous crimes have not suffered in vain. It also matters to me that the risk is minimised for the future and women are kept as safe as possible from the rapists and sex offenders - especially those who commit their crimes by abusing their power.